Its has been almost 4 months since we've all been in manipal. how many days to be exact, well, i'm not sure lols. many things has happened within this long yet so short period of time, and i have experienced joy and pain simultaneously while time teleports its way from september to january in just a blink of an eye. frankly, i still can't believe that it has already been 4 whole months, as the memory of the 1st day in manipal is still fresh in my mind.
ahh the life of a doctor..stable job, not so high income(lols), post graduation, promotion, specialist , surgeon..etc...well, it ain't that bad... but most importantly, the joy of helping ppl. but...is this what i always wanted to do? is this my true purpose in life? is this rly the right path for me? don't ask me, i duno. LOL..in the end, its not a bad occupation. tho it requires much dedication and an insane amount of time, the outcome is always worth it. the feeling of satisfaction when u see the loved one of the patients, shedding tears of joy when he/she has recovered, though i've yet to experience it, is rly something in which i'm looking forward to in my medical career.but deep down inside, Maybe what I really want is just a simple life, with fun, laughter, lots of travelling, and love. Just Maybe, but, it's not a choice, I can only dream.
now that i've just thought about it, i realised that my batch of 143 students is rly a big class @@. i've never been in such huge class before, largest being my primary school class, in which there was only a mere 51 of us little brats. personally, i actually prefer to be in a small class, that's when u'll get to know the people well ,u find more opporturnity to talk to them, and the bonding begins , and yes, the route and time in which is needed to develop from the level of aquaintances to best frenz( good friends at least) will not be as time consuming and difficult as it is in a large batch liek batch 25...sigh..i envy the BDS students.. i've heard of how close they have become with each other. all 21 of them( or is it 22, or 23?) u can say tat, this is one of the main criteria i wana fullfill throughout my tertiary educations, of course, our main goal is to study while in university, BFFs just come as an extra bonus, but to me, it is just as important as my academic performance.
for starters, many people might find me cold and heartless. i understand la, i've got some feedback, my face can be rly masam and emotionless, with a slight punch of arrogance, ignorance and unfriendliness. i do admit, i can be extremely antisocial when i want to, but the sole reason of me being like that is the unbeareable feeling of being left out. oh people, if only you know the real me. i'm not difficult to fathom, no i'm not. i just don't want to be left alone. :( tho i'm used to it, but i don't like it. sometimes it seems like i'm isolating myself from all of u, but, in doing so , i have my reasons. i'm not being unfriendly or cold, it just comes and go. i don't talk because i have nothing better to say, since my lame jokes clearly isn't up to par with wat u guys are capable of dishing out. as time goes by, i feel that i'm drifting further and further away from you. if left untendered, it will come to a point where this fear will become reality. i've though of repairing the bond between us, but the fear of the possiblity of making it worse prevented me from doing what's right. darn, y can't i just have a lil more faith in myself? >.< even thought i know u've been gossiping bout me, i don't care. so what, its just a moment of adrenaline rush, even i do it sometimes =X but in the end, just because i appear cold and bermuka masam all the time, doesn't mean that i'm having any grudges or hatred towards any of you. its just a part of who i am, the way i act when i'm feeling depressed and down. just because i turn down an invitation the 1st time, or the 2nd, doesn't mean that i'll turn down the 3rd. juz because i'm silent, doesn't mean i'm ignorant. just because i'm isolating myself, that doesn't mean i don't enjoy your company. i like to talk, but sometimes i juz have nothing better to say except smile and keeping quiet:(just bcause i'm not talking to you, ignoring u even when i happened to c u,or not saying "hey r u feeling allright?" even when i know u're going through a hard time, that doesn't mean that i don't care. in fact, i do care, alot =( i just, couldn't force myself to initiate the 1st action. but frankly speaking , how many of us will say "no i'm not ok, i'm feeling so fucked up right now" and things like that? + 1 over here to the typical " oh no, i'm fine, nothing's wrong =) " response. we all have this egoism inside of us, being afraid of being looked down by our peers, we're uptight and too afraid to reveal our emotions. hence , we tend to suffer ourselves, engulfed by sadness , sorrow and negligence. and finally, sighs..we lose control over everything. and that is when, things start to go very wrong =S its not a secret anymore. i may seem cold, but i'm not, i may seem emotionally strong , but i'm not. i may seem to enjoy solitary life, but in fact, i don't . so there you have it. that's the truth. every single bit of it. this is the kind of person that i am. can't accept it? too bad then
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