i think i've crossed my limits..

these few days, i couldn't focus on my studies...no its not because i'm too obsessed with games..the truth is, mousehunt doesn't really take up alot of my time, all it needed was a single click every 15 minutes.. okay so maybe i spend some time lingering around the forums,but only for a short while..

i dunno why i feel so down these days...it all started about a week after i returned to manipal..homesick ain't the reason..laziness could be..but deep down inside, i know the reason why, i just refused to accept it...the cause of all this, the root of evil that sparked the beginning of me feeling like a mindless zombie with no goal in life..every morning i wake up for class, i feel just..empty..there isn't anything else for me to do except going for classes, skip lunch and then dinner at 5pm. there was really no reason for me to starve myself till the time range of 7 to 8 anymore.

all in all, i feel that my life here in manipal has just been suckish, right from the start..there really wasn't a day that i felt very happy during my time here..things are not the same as they were back home..grades are not up to scratch( i used to be such an excellent student..sighs) ,no mall to hang out, no car to drive, and most of all , no people to depend on. its a live or die situation. either u adapt, or u die. survival of the fittest. now i really doubt that i can actually feel secure, as whenever i thought that i was safe, all of a sudden, i realised only to be left all alone in the sea of darkness, left to struggle for my own survival. i wonder if i was indeed a faulty creation of nature, as i tend to repeat the same mistake all the time..oh yes and i paid dearly for it..
my teacher once said, if you chose to runaway from your problems, you'll be running away throughout your life. when i was young, i laughed then..i thought to myself, what kind of moron would run away from their problems? just face it and have it solved already! boy was i a naive little child back then..now, i realised its more easily said than done.. i was a contradictor of my own words..i'm running from my problems, with the fear of facing the negative consequences that may arise. instead of actually facing it and have it done once and for all, i chose to ignore..just to protect myself from getting hurt...
sometimes, i feel like i worry too much..everything that i do, i worry that i might hurt someone, or pissed someone off indirectly or directly. i hate the fact that i'm this way, i'm screwing up my social relations overtime...like now..i feel like shit...my eyes have been blinded by my manipulative limbic system..i only saw what i wanted to believe, ignoring all the good that came with it..
self isolation has became a very bad habit of mine..i guess its a side effect when i feel unwanted or not welcomed..i had a really bad experience back then on last year's christmas eve, where i was all alone, while the others were having loads of fun. i think, eversince that day, i changed then. i briefly sank into depression mode after that.. one question, how would you feel when your friends called you out for dinner, where all of them all already at the venue,made their order, even though they live in the same hostel as you, while you were the only one of the group still in your room? frankly, i'd feel really left out. it'll make me feel like i'm not part of them anymore, i ain't in the game,i'm just a cheerleader, or a spare player.
get what i mean?
now, i simply do not know how i'm going to live through the next few months till the semester break without feeling so down..my condition has gotten far worse than i could possibly imagine..not paying attention in class, day dreaming, emoing...under achievements...gahhh i wish i could just turn back time and fix things..or even better, turn if back to the point where i did not apply for entry into manipal september intake. its been just a whole miserable time for me..just for me..all i can do at night is sleep and emo...i interact more with my laptop and books than with real human beings..i spend so much time in my room..simply because, i feel so lonely..i feel deserted...how i wish things were like they used to be, carefree and simple. life is so vague and meaningless to me rite now..

gambateh lar...

time flies...its gonna be april soon..which means a step closer to the university exams, and even closer to blocks. from tuesday to friday, we won't be having afternoon classes, which means lesser learning opportunities, and more rushing at the end of the block..omg....ish ish this is not good for lazy me lol..now that i have the whole afternoon for the nxt few days free, only the higher intelligence knows what i might do during all these free time. wah sleep whole day maybe? kekekezzz
k la this is just a lil update. not much to say this time. this saturday might be a holiday, depending on the votes of the other batches. i think my batch has already voted for no classes on saturday :) hehehe i hate classes on saturday. until now still not used to ti yet.. bwahaha spoilt by malaysian education system, what to do? hehehe


thats it for now =P

random

hehehehehe i'm free~~~ well at least for now. the hectic day thursday has finally ended, and to my surprise my pbl performance was rather intriguing, the facilitator didn't have anything bad to say about it =) hehehe hope all goes well in the future pbl sessions . i gotta say, my current group don't exert as much pressure as the previous one in block 2. me likey =)
oh and check this out. all of a sudden i got so emo and decided to do something out of the ordinary ^^ its prolly crap but..just take a few mins and read it would ya? =)
here goes...

sometimes, i thought to myself,
why do i love you so,
why do i need you so, even though,
you never really cared about me.


i would stare hours at the computer,
hoping that you would drop by,
say hi,
and make my mind go high.

babe,
you and i,
i gotta feeling, that we're meant for each other,
yeh its true, one text from you,
is like opium to me, not receiving them each day,
its killing me,
slowly, painfully, mercilessly...


at times, i looked out of the window,
with a telescope in my hands,
and with my lil brown eyes,
i tried to keep sight,
with the faintess hope,
of everything you do
even when you're out of sight.


i hate you sometimes,
for the fact that you made me so crazy over you,
but i never blamed you,
as all that matters is that,
i love you.


i was there whenever you need a shoulder to cry on,
a soul to listen,
a paper to express,
even when you called at 2 o'clock,
tho i was drained, i kept you company for as long as you wanted,
as my mind has been made up,
a NO to you is like depriving me of fresh air


babe,
you mean the whole world to me, until recently
i started having doubts, that you're my fairytale princess,
the virtual world i had in my head inhabited only by the memories of you and i,
was really the happily ever after that i constantly seek


i wished you were always the sweet princess that i once knew,
for the current you, no, i don't know,
no i can't, i must find you,
i want that sweet, gentle you back

i thought to myself,
why am i so emotional? and then i realised..
its the thought of whether whatever that i do is to your liking,
whatever i say is what that you like to hear,
you thoughts,
your opinions,
your comments,
your taste,
yeh these are what that have been affecting me lately


i tried to patch things up between us,
with the worry of making things worst as well as the hope of success simultaneouly,
but my efforts were fruitless,
as the former prevailed.


to you, a ragged doll i am,
to me, a priceless treasure you are,
i want to see you, yet i can't
the distance between us is far too great
you refuse my calls and never replied my messages,
even if I want you right here with me, I'm all alone


as i stared at my empty tissue box,
reading your last message,
tears rolled down my eyes..
why? why? why? why do you have to have such ill thoughts of me,
does anything that i've done for you truly touched your heart,
for even the slightest gratitude,
you have none.


a fool i was believing that i knew you, which in fact i don't,
i hadn't the slightest clue who this new you is,
and i won't wait to find out.
i learnt my lesson, i've been too naive,
nobody got hurt, except myself,
and there i was ,
lying in my own pool of tears,
signifying nothing.






hehehehehzzz so how? bad rite? i got no talent in writing all this lar. maine i hope you don't mind that i used yours as references, as what you write mostly represents what i feel most of the time =P k la..i've slacked enuf. gtg study. ciaoz

another week has gone by...

yeh another week gone...lotsa syllabus has been taught, and i'm still having my own sweet time emoing and catching mice...zzzz..but at least this semester, i took up a habit of studying everyday, be it past semester's stuff or the current one..its a good start, i'm just worried how long its gonna last , or how long i can take it. despite my determination to finish my work fast and study , there is always another part of me that tries to restrain myself from doing so..example, i told myself to finish my pbl by this week , and yet i've only done half of it..eeee laziness is still getting the better of me :(
but its not all bad. my bestie chin wen mei is finally here. yes!! in manipal!! hahahah still can't believe that its true. oh n yee fu as well. but i often thought to myself, what a pity it was that they're my juniors now..if they were my batchmates, i wouldn't be so lonely as of now..if jordan is the sad man, then i'm the lonely boy. HAHAHAH..but ok lar..at least now i know when i emo or need someone to talk to, i can always find wen mei :) of course i hope that'll never happen . emo is not a good habit to have. kekekeke
i slept the whole day today...i duno y, no matter how much i sleep , i still feel extremely tired, suffering from lethargy d me thinks.so how long do you think i can keep on going like this? the cycle of studying till 3.30am everyday? i even run the risk of missing the 1st class of the day everyday :( n did i mention how much i miss my family? sigh...i miss mummy's home cooked soup, her nam yi pork..arghhh..u can nv find that here in manipal..:\

so i guess i'm pretty homesick at the moment..solitude isn't really my kinda style. hahahaha i'd do anything to get my hands on a bowl of sharkfin's soup rite now. well almost anything ...LOL

k la, enuf of my rubbish. that's all for now ;)

Opppss i did it again =S

HAHAHAHAHAHA. guess what? i missed my 1st class 2day. LOL .. man..its juz the 1st week itself and ohh look , no more 100% attendance. bah like i care... but..missing the class, means missing out on valuable info for exam. haiz..who ask me to slp at 3.30am everyday....i had to study la. no choice le...otherwise i know my exam sure will die lo. seniors uni exam results was already very scary, so many of them didn't pass all. have to waste another 1/2 years to repeat the paper. rly not good...i hope that this won't happen to me. my anat MTF is beyond what modern medicine can cure. >.<
i guess i'll have to keep on slping everyday at 3.30am..study study study..at least i think its worth it. juz hope that i don't fall sick in the middle. hehe

that's all for now

and so it ends, back in manipal...

well, i'm back!! LOL in manipal!!! argghhh i made it sound like a good thing, but in fact i'm not at all pleased. thr's much more challenges ahead, more obstacles to face and much much more syllabus to cover. no more drifting around and mocking about after sunday, its gonna be long term intensive studying. the old ways ..they juz..don't work anymore ya know?
i will have to adopt this new way, whether i like it or not. i know , a medical students life is gonna be harsh, its not easy to be dealt with in the 1st place, but, i know, i can do it. i must, i cannot slack. so er, i guess...i gotta stop being emo yea? less emo means less blogging for me..as i hope, all of you my dear tomodachis out there ,as stated in the previous post, hope yall will be happy for me if i ain't updating. means i'm too occupied to be emoing, which is a good thing =)


thats all for now

less than 24 hours before i leave my homeland...

i'll try to write something in chinese this time, here goes. LOL

现在只有少过二十四小时的时间。。。我真的没有那个回去MANIPAL的心情。。觉得死沉沉的。 去了浆久， 真的会开始惜身边的每一个人。。。我的家人朋友们。。。这段回来的时间， 我真的很高兴能够在跟你们相遇。。值少我现在知道你们对我有多么的重要， 也让我知道亲情和友情的重要。。 我这次回india, 我会专心读书， 不会令大家失望。。我一定考到优良的成级。。。 加油哦。。这是个新的开始。。 =）

OMG i took ages to type this lol..my chinese sucks XD

anyway, will only be blogging if i'm feeling emo again. so guys, when i'm not updating my blog, pls be happy for me k? =) c yall nxt time back in august

allrights, holidays ending =(

my word, time flies doesn't it? in juz a blink of an eye, its nearly a month since i was back home in msia. goin back to india 2mr, sad huh?
neways, the bloody results came out today. as expected, i didn't do very well. i passed all of them, but i gotta say that this is the result of my own laziness and slacking all the time. hence, no blaming other people except myself. my studying method for anatomy isn't correct as far as i can tell, n i picked up the right method only 2 weeks before exams. anyhow, all passed. but i couldn't help feeling guilty for the fact that i could have done way way better than this. hence, i shall be commited to my studies once the next block starts. this kenot keep on going like this, no it can't . cross my heart and hope to die. failure is not an option.