It's something that we are constantly going through everyday as long as our hearts still beat. Some of us attain the appropriate maturity at an early age, some made it just in time while others tend to fall back and are referred to as childish. Even till now, i am still unsure as to which category do i belong. Been having these thoughts going on in my head , and they just won't stop bugging me no matter how hard i tried. Talking to the counselor proved to be a futile effort, as i already know by heart all the advices that she gave me. Its just that, i have no idea where or how to start. She said, do the things that you love when you're feeling stressed, you need that time for yourself, or else you'll go insane. Living in the hostel with so many restrictions, i have no idea on how to smuggle an aquarium in. I don't even think that its allowed. picking up new things to learn is easy, but maintaining the interest and enthusiasm isn't a walk in the park. To be honest, i have nobody to share my hobbies with. Since young, i've always been a person who does things alone. I may have a loving family, but there are certain things that my parents overlooked during my upbringing. I guess they never realized how lonely i felt when i was little. My eldest sister has never really been a major part of my life as she lived with and was brought up by my grandmother. My younger sister is 5 years younger and really isn't an ideal companion at that time. looking back at the old days, i realized my childhood have been pretty dull. Dad is always too busy working and hardly pays any attention to me.Mum has always been there for me, but then again, she's a lady. Being alone too long to the point that i'm so used to it, led to social withdrawal and isolation from my peers. I have never been to any birthday parties organised by my friends when i was young, simply because i lived so far away from seremban at that time. I also never had the chance to grow up with neighbors, since we lived in an isolated bungalow deep within the plantation estate. Even after we moved to seremban when i was form 1, we tend to keep to ourselves most of the time. The only times i ever interacted with "friends" was in school. apart from that, i was always at home. Its difficult to change once you've been moulded into what you are due to your family background and environment that you've been living in for so long. It isn't a choice whether to change or not. Personality can't be changed after a certain age, at least not by the faint- hearted.
The good news is, i'm more sociable now compared to before. But there is still a part of the shadow from the past that keeps haunting me till this very day. There is just too much for me to analyse and put into words. My social developmental milestone is indeed pretty shortcoming. Let's just say, at the age of 22, i'm living my current life as a teenager. My close friends pairing up one by one wasn't easy on me i admit. I don't have the chance to have outings or fun before i entered university. The feeling was really ecstatic. it was like a drug, once you've had some, you yearn for more. But sadly, i'm at a age where people are more inclined in dedicating their lives to their significant other. Sigh, at time i felt like giving in into this peer pressure, but my consciences tell me not to. It isn't easy to meet somebody who you truly fall for, and sadly , i have let that chance pass me by.. simply because before that, i never realized my feelings for her.. we were so young back then, at the tender age of 16.. the 1st day i lay my eyes on her, i know that she is a nice person. knowing her family background and her parents personally, i have no doubts about that. And then , we ended up in the same college. We were in the same class for as long as our A level course lasted, and along the way, she was taken by someone from another course in the same college. I swear that at that very moment, i did not feel anything at all. i wasn't affected by the fact that she is no longer single because at that time, never had being in a relationship ever crossed my mind . It went on until we all went our separate ways. we hardly kept in touch after that,tho i still met up wif her whenever i came back to malaysia for my semester break. She was in Nottingham, doing E & E. Until few days before she left for the UK, i rmb i gave her a photo frame with the group photo of our A level mates. but little does she know that, i myself have 'subconsciously" slipped an extra photo behind the one displayed , a photo of me and her. A few days after that , she left and i went back to india.
It was all ok until about a year later in 2011, when i sudden thought about her. Though deep down my heart i know that we are definitely not close as b4 since both of us haven't been keeping in touch for months and even years. and then the question popped in head, is it possible that she is single now? Her FB profile showed no trace that she was in a active relationship, but then again i wasn't so hasty into making an assumption. but all i can say is, all of a sudden, i start to think about her more frequently. i started to send her inbox msg once in awhile , just to keep myself updated. but again my conscience tells me that i shouldn't keep my hopes up. All i can say is , as time goes by, my feelings for her has grown slowly each day, but i never had the courage to ask her if she is currently single or not. Ok.. perhaps i shouldn't share too much on this , but all i can say is, if one asks me the question " have you ever met a girl that actually made you visualize the possible life that you might have together with her down the road? " my answer would be her .
