i saw right through you

  you, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use again me, you, have knocked me off my feet got me feeling like nothing.. you can take me down, with just one single blow, utilizing my oen and only weakness against me, but sorry to tell you, you don't know what you don't know. the incident is indeed a blessing in disguise. you may seem to think that you have won the war, but sorry to tell you, there was no war, only your delusions that i think will never ever fade. trying to bring me down? haha thanks for giving me the ultimate liberation ever from this plague that has tortured me for god knows how long. 要我跟你作对？ 对不起， 你， 不配。 

writing poems = emo moments..aihhh

                                                                   TRUTH



Once in your life you make the friends that are true
 Nothing else matters except what's between them and you
You and I both started off like any normal friends,
 But neither of us expected what would become of us today .


I remember the early days we would do a lot of things together
from baking, guitar, photography
 or just hanging out,
and it pains me to know that these are just mere memories.


 over time i can feel that we are drifting apart
 we don't text or call because it ain't our norm
 when i saw you with your new found gang
all i can do was to just stop and stare.



I tried to save what i hold dear to me
 this friendship that i hold so sacred and no doubt adored
 i went a long way to let you know how much you mean to me
 but the outcome didn't turn out like i hoped for


 I missed the times when we used to be able to spend time together
 for what seemed so easy to come by before has become so difficult to have
 i held back and so did you
and now i'm paying the price


calling you a friend would be an understatement
 because you mean much more than that
so i always called you my brother,
 because that' s how much you mean to me


 i tried to give you the best i can
i tried to help you in every way that i could
 i'm sorry if i derranged along the way
 because hurting you was never on my list.


 i was sad when you misunderstood me wrongly
accusing me of being the way you perceive me to be
 despite countless attempts to reassure you
 all efforts ended in vain


things can only get worse as time goes by
we pass by as if we never saw each other
 we try to avoid each other in every way possible
 and this is the outcome


 so many misunderstandings and problems left unattended
 i was mad at you for not telling me of their existense
 but i was angrier at myself
 for not realizing what they were sooner


 I gave my all to prevent you from getting hurt
 but still it caused you problems and pain
 i can't apologize enough
 because i've failed to protect you even though i tried


and then the inevitable happened
the incident that changed us forever
i wished that i never asked you
 for it was too much a price to pay for a favor so small



 i'm sorry that i have sounded selfish and unreasonable
 because i did not get the full picture due to my carelessness
what i did only made matters worse
and i still regret it till this very day


 i don't expect you to believe me
 for it is as ridiculous as it sounds
 but here i assure you
every word i tell you is genuine and true


 i should have been more understanding
 i should have been more sensitive
 i should have been less calculative
 but that is almost too late to regret now


 i don't give a damn what other say about me,
or what they say about you
 for all that i know
our friendship  involves only both of us


i used to dread over what i should have done
or what i shouldn't have
 but the only important thing now is
 that i correct my mistakes and treat you well

 i don't know what's going on in your mind
 whether you've given up hope or not
 but until the day you tell me its over
 i will cling on to that slight hope that things will turn out fine


 i'm just a human and i make mistakes
 i can't be a perfect friend to you
 but what i promise you is
 i will try my best to make it up to you


 whatever that holds for us in the future
 whether you'll be an important part of my life like you've always been
or slowly fade away like the morning mist
 though i wish that day will never come


 it's allright if you hate me ,
 but should the outcome turn out to be the latter,
 one thing is for sure
 i'll never forget you

growing up

It's something that we are constantly going through everyday as long as our hearts still beat. Some of us attain the appropriate maturity at an early age, some made it just in time while others tend to fall back and are referred to as childish. Even till now, i am still unsure as to which category do i belong. Been having these thoughts going on in my head , and they just won't stop bugging me no matter how hard i tried. Talking to the counselor proved to be a futile effort, as i already know by heart all the advices that she gave me. Its just that, i have no idea where or how to start. She said, do the things that you love when you're feeling stressed, you need that time for yourself, or else you'll go insane. Living in the hostel with so many restrictions, i have no idea on how to smuggle an aquarium in. I don't even think that its allowed. picking up new things to learn is easy, but maintaining the interest and enthusiasm isn't a walk in the park. To be honest, i have nobody to share my hobbies with. Since young, i've always been a person who does things alone. I may have a loving family, but there are certain things that my parents overlooked during my upbringing. I guess they never realized how lonely i felt when i was little. My eldest sister has never really been a major part of my life as she lived with and was brought up by my grandmother. My younger sister is 5 years younger and really isn't an ideal companion at that time. looking back at the old days, i realized my childhood have been pretty dull. Dad is always too busy working and hardly pays any attention to me.Mum has always been there for me, but then again, she's a lady. Being alone too long to the point that i'm so used to it, led to social withdrawal and isolation from my peers. I have never been to any birthday parties organised by my friends when i was young, simply because i lived so far away from seremban at that time. I also never had the chance to grow up with neighbors, since we lived in an isolated bungalow deep within the plantation estate. Even after we moved to seremban when i was form 1, we tend to keep to ourselves most of the time. The only times i ever interacted with "friends" was in school. apart from that, i was always at home. Its difficult to change once you've been moulded into what you are due to your family background and environment that you've been living in for so long. It isn't a choice whether to change or not. Personality can't be changed after a certain age, at least not by the faint- hearted. The good news is, i'm more sociable now compared to before. But there is still a part of the shadow from the past that keeps haunting me till this very day. There is just too much for me to analyse and put into words. My social developmental milestone is indeed pretty shortcoming. Let's just say, at the age of 22, i'm living my current life as a teenager. My close friends pairing up one by one wasn't easy on me i admit. I don't have the chance to have outings or fun before i entered university. The feeling was really ecstatic. it was like a drug, once you've had some, you yearn for more. But sadly, i'm at a age where people are more inclined in dedicating their lives to their significant other. Sigh, at time i felt like giving in into this peer pressure, but my consciences tell me not to. It isn't easy to meet somebody who you truly fall for, and sadly , i have let that chance pass me by.. simply because before that, i never realized my feelings for her.. we were so young back then, at the tender age of 16.. the 1st day i lay my eyes on her, i know that she is a nice person. knowing her family background and her parents personally, i have no doubts about that. And then , we ended up in the same college. We were in the same class for as long as our A level course lasted, and along the way, she was taken by someone from another course in the same college. I swear that at that very moment, i did not feel anything at all. i wasn't affected by the fact that she is no longer single because at that time, never had being in a relationship ever crossed my mind . It went on until we all went our separate ways. we hardly kept in touch after that,tho i still met up wif her whenever i came back to malaysia for my semester break. She was in Nottingham, doing E & E. Until few days before she left for the UK, i rmb i gave her a photo frame with the group photo of our A level mates. but little does she know that, i myself have 'subconsciously" slipped an extra photo behind the one displayed , a photo of me and her. A few days after that , she left and i went back to india. It was all ok until about a year later in 2011, when i sudden thought about her. Though deep down my heart i know that we are definitely not close as b4 since both of us haven't been keeping in touch for months and even years. and then the question popped in head, is it possible that she is single now? Her FB profile showed no trace that she was in a active relationship, but then again i wasn't so hasty into making an assumption. but all i can say is, all of a sudden, i start to think about her more frequently. i started to send her inbox msg once in awhile , just to keep myself updated. but again my conscience tells me that i shouldn't keep my hopes up. All i can say is , as time goes by, my feelings for her has grown slowly each day, but i never had the courage to ask her if she is currently single or not. Ok.. perhaps i shouldn't share too much on this , but all i can say is, if one asks me the question " have you ever met a girl that actually made you visualize the possible life that you might have together with her down the road? " my answer would be her .

so this is how its gonna be?

Generally, people are very subtle and shallow. they always leave the old ones behind and go for the new ones. well, ever since the postings last semester, it was already pretty obvious what was going on. you see new people forming groups together, while old ones dispersing. its like a chemical reaction, bonds being broken, weakened and formed simultaneously. fine, i accept that fact. thought it couldn't get any more worse than that, and it proved me wrong. however, it proved to me how subtle some people really are. even those who were once very close to you whom you thought will never leave you ended up repeating history and ended up having new circle of companionship. Of course we all have the right and desire to make new friends, but pls la... dun ambil yang jernih buang yang keruh.. sometimes i think i've been trying too hard on people not worthy of my time. all along , it has always been me to have to initiate everything. dinner, movies , dates.. literally.. sometimes i wonder what will happen if i dun care at all.. so many friendships, i feel are only unidirectional. there seem to be no reciprocation from the other party. and this really made me feel like a fool desperate for attention. duno lar.. so many sad case nowadays. sini sana ajak semua pun ada plans with the new found group.. zzzzzz.. uhhhh that's y i hate melaka postings so much, and my current g2 group. yes there are nice people in my group apart form the jerks but there was nobody that i can truly relate to. and that's well.. kinda sad really.. miis my manipal postings group, at least back then i have yan shao , qj, tsing yee, sing ping and a few others. T.T
i dun even see some people that i used to be close with ever since the start of this semester... sure i've found some new friends with the same wavelength that i can mingle with, but that doesn't mean i'm willing to let the ones that are already close to me leave. sure i'll still try to find time to spend with them, however some of them don't seem to share the same interest as me. at times i feel like an idiot.. y so dedicated to people who made you optional in their lives? this is one thing about myself that i hate and unable to change. well, at least there are still people around like miss tan , huang jie and a few others who still cares. at least these few people still gives me the strength and faith to believe that not all people are 喜新厌旧.. but again, if people want to be in your life, they will make an effort to stay in it. not like me constantly making an effort to keep them in it. i've tried too hard in the past and present, and i really thought of giving up.. duno how long more i can hold on like this. but i guess in the end, i had nothing to lose. coz in the worst case scenario, i would have lost someone who didn't appreciate me, but they would have lost someone who appreciated them alot. not my loss in the end. i guess , that's life la

Failure

Nobody likes failure. Failure is accompanied by so many negative things varying from loss of self esteem to discrimination by other.Acceptance of failure varies from person to person, some take it easy and learn from it while some take it extremely hard and not being able to pull through with it. And i'm the latter. The outcome wasn't what i expected to get at all. For a person who never tasted failure before, the news was an extremely devastating blow to my emotions at that very moment. Disruption to my mood wasn't exactly subtle.. i know people around me knows something was wrong.. but at that time, i couldn't care less. at this time, what i really need is some time alone to get through all this shit. but i know i have no one to blame except my self.. if you don't water the tree, don't expect to get the fruits. true story. even if it does not really affect what happens next, the fact that i have achieved this failure will be a scar on my self esteem for quite a period of time.