E.M.O

pfffff...it has been real hectic these few days. all of a sudden i realised the lecturers are pumping lotsa new info into our brainz(arghhh too much for my small otak >.<). i guess having too many holidays does have its down side :\ haih..haven't doen much revisions myself , i practically ignored the respiratory and GI tract portion of my physiology. JAYPREE's teaching style juz dun cut , get it? dear me i rly wish i wun get any lecturers like them in in my 3rd block. hahaha they should be like sharmila la, give complete notes. i happy, i get good grades , u oso happy rite? u get the fame, whats thr to lose anyway? bwahahaha. looks like i'm gonna be spending the rest of my nxt few weeks in the library, apart from getting to study a lil bit, i can isolate myself from my best fren, who is also my worst enemy : the laptop XD

these few days, i haven'y been talking to the ppl i normally hang out with, mainly is becoz my seat is so far away from theirs, and thr's nobody that is willing to switch( haven't tried it, but it won't work anyway)oh well, guess it'll stay that way , maybe till the 3rd block. haih..y my roll number so at the back de? geramnye..ishhhh...so feeling like strangling sheila rite now, or i can black mail the dean into changing my seat and roll number =) wakakaka* evil laughes*
but then, i memang pun dun talk to them much anyway. actually feel kinda weird when i'm with them. like thr is an invisible wall between us. all the time, the conversation is being dominated by carol, ys n GS..ah well, sometimes nak cakap pun rasa akward le...can't help feeling stupid whenever they're around..their convo just indirectly leaves u out you know? duno how tat happened, but it occurs very frequently. topic not suitable i guess =S can say that this is the main reason y i always isolate myself for the past 2 months.i dun join them for lunch , or even after class snacking or juice drinking time. ah well, they never asked me anyway =S so just go and join them without being asked to u say? no thank you. even if i'm desperate, i will not venture to the point that i will put my own dignity and maruah diri at stake. too ego =P but thats juz me la
dun get me wrong tho, i like being with them , having their company and all is rly great. but the reason mentioned above is drawing me further and further away from them. i can feel it and i juz know it. its not their prob rly, its my own, and i'll either have to change my way of life, or i'll juz be like this for the years to come. some ppl like to be alone, while some don't. i hate being alone, and yet i'm used to being solitary. and to summarize it all, i nv rly felt i was a part of the gang :\ we do things 2gether( well sometimes) ,hang out together and all, but yea, thats the impression i have. i dun share the feeling of closeness i can see between (for example), ys with yf and carol, gs with wei lun , juz to name a few. hmmmm, maybe i should be a lil more hentai, mayb that'll work. ahahahahaha
i'm actually sorta envious of yf, in the sense tat she, joining the group in late november, managed to become so close with the others @_@ i guess having good social skills is a gift , n kenot be acquired through conventional means.lucky gurl.. ahh bummer. *sighs* and y is it that the others can tell that jia jia feels left out, and yet they can't tell that i'm feeling the same way? hopefully its because i think too much :\ in the end, i keep my distance from ppl , bcoz i feel weird if i bother a person too often, kinda like a stalker ya know, and yea it can be very annoying to others. honestly, even i won't like it XD fortunately i managed to develop self control over this matter ,in the sense that i can hold back not interacting with a particular person, even though deep down, i wanted to =P i guess its better for them to think of me as cold and cool, rather than annoying :S but acting the way i am now, has caused me to lose much more than i have gained so far...truly out of what i have expected, the level of negative impact is off the scale .I admit being in a lot of emotional pain. A pain derived from certain incidents in life. This pain though frequent, is always unexpected. I have made progress in getting over it. But at its core lay a fundamental impulse that cannot be ignored. To the extent of denying my humanity if I choose to rid myself of it. it is time to realise that it is not meant to be, it is time to realise that dreams will forever be a separate entity from reality. life is 1 big conspirary, ready to take u down when u r in ur most vulnerable state. i'm tired of pretending, tired of faking, tired of dishing out fake smiles to hide my true emotions. egoism, i curse its existense. emotions, i condemn it.