i think i've crossed my limits..

these few days, i couldn't focus on my studies...no its not because i'm too obsessed with games..the truth is, mousehunt doesn't really take up alot of my time, all it needed was a single click every 15 minutes.. okay so maybe i spend some time lingering around the forums,but only for a short while..

i dunno why i feel so down these days...it all started about a week after i returned to manipal..homesick ain't the reason..laziness could be..but deep down inside, i know the reason why, i just refused to accept it...the cause of all this, the root of evil that sparked the beginning of me feeling like a mindless zombie with no goal in life..every morning i wake up for class, i feel just..empty..there isn't anything else for me to do except going for classes, skip lunch and then dinner at 5pm. there was really no reason for me to starve myself till the time range of 7 to 8 anymore.

all in all, i feel that my life here in manipal has just been suckish, right from the start..there really wasn't a day that i felt very happy during my time here..things are not the same as they were back home..grades are not up to scratch( i used to be such an excellent student..sighs) ,no mall to hang out, no car to drive, and most of all , no people to depend on. its a live or die situation. either u adapt, or u die. survival of the fittest. now i really doubt that i can actually feel secure, as whenever i thought that i was safe, all of a sudden, i realised only to be left all alone in the sea of darkness, left to struggle for my own survival. i wonder if i was indeed a faulty creation of nature, as i tend to repeat the same mistake all the time..oh yes and i paid dearly for it..
my teacher once said, if you chose to runaway from your problems, you'll be running away throughout your life. when i was young, i laughed then..i thought to myself, what kind of moron would run away from their problems? just face it and have it solved already! boy was i a naive little child back then..now, i realised its more easily said than done.. i was a contradictor of my own words..i'm running from my problems, with the fear of facing the negative consequences that may arise. instead of actually facing it and have it done once and for all, i chose to ignore..just to protect myself from getting hurt...
sometimes, i feel like i worry too much..everything that i do, i worry that i might hurt someone, or pissed someone off indirectly or directly. i hate the fact that i'm this way, i'm screwing up my social relations overtime...like now..i feel like shit...my eyes have been blinded by my manipulative limbic system..i only saw what i wanted to believe, ignoring all the good that came with it..
self isolation has became a very bad habit of mine..i guess its a side effect when i feel unwanted or not welcomed..i had a really bad experience back then on last year's christmas eve, where i was all alone, while the others were having loads of fun. i think, eversince that day, i changed then. i briefly sank into depression mode after that.. one question, how would you feel when your friends called you out for dinner, where all of them all already at the venue,made their order, even though they live in the same hostel as you, while you were the only one of the group still in your room? frankly, i'd feel really left out. it'll make me feel like i'm not part of them anymore, i ain't in the game,i'm just a cheerleader, or a spare player.
get what i mean?
now, i simply do not know how i'm going to live through the next few months till the semester break without feeling so down..my condition has gotten far worse than i could possibly imagine..not paying attention in class, day dreaming, emoing...under achievements...gahhh i wish i could just turn back time and fix things..or even better, turn if back to the point where i did not apply for entry into manipal september intake. its been just a whole miserable time for me..just for me..all i can do at night is sleep and emo...i interact more with my laptop and books than with real human beings..i spend so much time in my room..simply because, i feel so lonely..i feel deserted...how i wish things were like they used to be, carefree and simple. life is so vague and meaningless to me rite now..