growing up

It's something that we are constantly going through everyday as long as our hearts still beat. Some of us attain the appropriate maturity at an early age, some made it just in time while others tend to fall back and are referred to as childish. Even till now, i am still unsure as to which category do i belong. Been having these thoughts going on in my head , and they just won't stop bugging me no matter how hard i tried. Talking to the counselor proved to be a futile effort, as i already know by heart all the advices that she gave me. Its just that, i have no idea where or how to start. She said, do the things that you love when you're feeling stressed, you need that time for yourself, or else you'll go insane. Living in the hostel with so many restrictions, i have no idea on how to smuggle an aquarium in. I don't even think that its allowed. picking up new things to learn is easy, but maintaining the interest and enthusiasm isn't a walk in the park. To be honest, i have nobody to share my hobbies with. Since young, i've always been a person who does things alone. I may have a loving family, but there are certain things that my parents overlooked during my upbringing. I guess they never realized how lonely i felt when i was little. My eldest sister has never really been a major part of my life as she lived with and was brought up by my grandmother. My younger sister is 5 years younger and really isn't an ideal companion at that time. looking back at the old days, i realized my childhood have been pretty dull. Dad is always too busy working and hardly pays any attention to me.Mum has always been there for me, but then again, she's a lady. Being alone too long to the point that i'm so used to it, led to social withdrawal and isolation from my peers. I have never been to any birthday parties organised by my friends when i was young, simply because i lived so far away from seremban at that time. I also never had the chance to grow up with neighbors, since we lived in an isolated bungalow deep within the plantation estate. Even after we moved to seremban when i was form 1, we tend to keep to ourselves most of the time. The only times i ever interacted with "friends" was in school. apart from that, i was always at home. Its difficult to change once you've been moulded into what you are due to your family background and environment that you've been living in for so long. It isn't a choice whether to change or not. Personality can't be changed after a certain age, at least not by the faint- hearted. The good news is, i'm more sociable now compared to before. But there is still a part of the shadow from the past that keeps haunting me till this very day. There is just too much for me to analyse and put into words. My social developmental milestone is indeed pretty shortcoming. Let's just say, at the age of 22, i'm living my current life as a teenager. My close friends pairing up one by one wasn't easy on me i admit. I don't have the chance to have outings or fun before i entered university. The feeling was really ecstatic. it was like a drug, once you've had some, you yearn for more. But sadly, i'm at a age where people are more inclined in dedicating their lives to their significant other. Sigh, at time i felt like giving in into this peer pressure, but my consciences tell me not to. It isn't easy to meet somebody who you truly fall for, and sadly , i have let that chance pass me by.. simply because before that, i never realized my feelings for her.. we were so young back then, at the tender age of 16.. the 1st day i lay my eyes on her, i know that she is a nice person. knowing her family background and her parents personally, i have no doubts about that. And then , we ended up in the same college. We were in the same class for as long as our A level course lasted, and along the way, she was taken by someone from another course in the same college. I swear that at that very moment, i did not feel anything at all. i wasn't affected by the fact that she is no longer single because at that time, never had being in a relationship ever crossed my mind . It went on until we all went our separate ways. we hardly kept in touch after that,tho i still met up wif her whenever i came back to malaysia for my semester break. She was in Nottingham, doing E & E. Until few days before she left for the UK, i rmb i gave her a photo frame with the group photo of our A level mates. but little does she know that, i myself have 'subconsciously" slipped an extra photo behind the one displayed , a photo of me and her. A few days after that , she left and i went back to india. It was all ok until about a year later in 2011, when i sudden thought about her. Though deep down my heart i know that we are definitely not close as b4 since both of us haven't been keeping in touch for months and even years. and then the question popped in head, is it possible that she is single now? Her FB profile showed no trace that she was in a active relationship, but then again i wasn't so hasty into making an assumption. but all i can say is, all of a sudden, i start to think about her more frequently. i started to send her inbox msg once in awhile , just to keep myself updated. but again my conscience tells me that i shouldn't keep my hopes up. All i can say is , as time goes by, my feelings for her has grown slowly each day, but i never had the courage to ask her if she is currently single or not. Ok.. perhaps i shouldn't share too much on this , but all i can say is, if one asks me the question " have you ever met a girl that actually made you visualize the possible life that you might have together with her down the road? " my answer would be her .

so this is how its gonna be?

Generally, people are very subtle and shallow. they always leave the old ones behind and go for the new ones. well, ever since the postings last semester, it was already pretty obvious what was going on. you see new people forming groups together, while old ones dispersing. its like a chemical reaction, bonds being broken, weakened and formed simultaneously. fine, i accept that fact. thought it couldn't get any more worse than that, and it proved me wrong. however, it proved to me how subtle some people really are. even those who were once very close to you whom you thought will never leave you ended up repeating history and ended up having new circle of companionship. Of course we all have the right and desire to make new friends, but pls la... dun ambil yang jernih buang yang keruh.. sometimes i think i've been trying too hard on people not worthy of my time. all along , it has always been me to have to initiate everything. dinner, movies , dates.. literally.. sometimes i wonder what will happen if i dun care at all.. so many friendships, i feel are only unidirectional. there seem to be no reciprocation from the other party. and this really made me feel like a fool desperate for attention. duno lar.. so many sad case nowadays. sini sana ajak semua pun ada plans with the new found group.. zzzzzz.. uhhhh that's y i hate melaka postings so much, and my current g2 group. yes there are nice people in my group apart form the jerks but there was nobody that i can truly relate to. and that's well.. kinda sad really.. miis my manipal postings group, at least back then i have yan shao , qj, tsing yee, sing ping and a few others. T.T
i dun even see some people that i used to be close with ever since the start of this semester... sure i've found some new friends with the same wavelength that i can mingle with, but that doesn't mean i'm willing to let the ones that are already close to me leave. sure i'll still try to find time to spend with them, however some of them don't seem to share the same interest as me. at times i feel like an idiot.. y so dedicated to people who made you optional in their lives? this is one thing about myself that i hate and unable to change. well, at least there are still people around like miss tan , huang jie and a few others who still cares. at least these few people still gives me the strength and faith to believe that not all people are 喜新厌旧.. but again, if people want to be in your life, they will make an effort to stay in it. not like me constantly making an effort to keep them in it. i've tried too hard in the past and present, and i really thought of giving up.. duno how long more i can hold on like this. but i guess in the end, i had nothing to lose. coz in the worst case scenario, i would have lost someone who didn't appreciate me, but they would have lost someone who appreciated them alot. not my loss in the end. i guess , that's life la

Failure

Nobody likes failure. Failure is accompanied by so many negative things varying from loss of self esteem to discrimination by other.Acceptance of failure varies from person to person, some take it easy and learn from it while some take it extremely hard and not being able to pull through with it. And i'm the latter. The outcome wasn't what i expected to get at all. For a person who never tasted failure before, the news was an extremely devastating blow to my emotions at that very moment. Disruption to my mood wasn't exactly subtle.. i know people around me knows something was wrong.. but at that time, i couldn't care less. at this time, what i really need is some time alone to get through all this shit. but i know i have no one to blame except my self.. if you don't water the tree, don't expect to get the fruits. true story. even if it does not really affect what happens next, the fact that i have achieved this failure will be a scar on my self esteem for quite a period of time.

是时候反醒反醒一下了...

this strucked me rather unexpectedly.. i'm beginning to doubt my own credibility and personality.. i've always thought that i'm alright the way i am, then suddenly everything doesn't feel right.. i feel that i'm rather vague and fake actually.. or maybe my definition of fake ain't what like what most others perceive to be, i wish i was a little more emphatic and less self centered. i wonder why can't i be nice to people that i don't like.. there was a post on facebook that says: being nice to people you don't like is not being fake, it's called growing up. i can get the point of the avoiding conflict thingy, but wouldn't avoiding the person u don't like means the same? i mean, no contact, hence no conflict rite? Haih, in the end what lies at the back of my mind is: i wish i was less juvenile than this.. Perhaps, i should start learning to accept how to self compromise and tolerate other peoples's flaws, rather than making them sound so severe and unacceptable.. no i wasn't like that before, guess manipal changed me =S So basically i hope that i can be nice to people who i don't like.. some of you might call it as being fake, even i think so, but i guess its time to stop being such a kiddo and grow up..so now the question is, how to start?

oh hello thr~

its been a solid 2 months since i last touched this personal blog of mine. i guess the block 3, 4 and uni exam rly did take up alot of my time, or it may be just that i don't have any emo stuffs to share as of lately. which is a good thing :D haha emo period pass edi la, still left 3 more practical papers to go and its home for me XD hmm still worry about the glove issue :( imma gonna screw up during the osce so badly if i dun practice wearing it. lame i know, but thats d way it is >.< who knew one pair of gloves could cause so much worries?
hmmm..another thing.. these few days i began having one of those random thoughts running about in my head. spontaneous indeed. well, its about LOVE. i must say that among my current peers, i am in the minority group. yes, one without gf. frankly, i never rly gave it a thought in the past. well, one of those rare occasions yes, but it certainly doesn't last long enough to occupy part of my brain's gyri permanently. but then there was a time, when a new couple emerged in my class, i started to feel the pressure. peer pressure. that time, i must admit that i was quite "emo" about it. its like, when you were young in your teenage days, when everyone has a handphone , and you yourself constantly bugs your parents so that u can be like the rest. 别人有的，我也要有.. sadly that was the feeling i was experiencing. stress ar stress ar.. 天啊，为什么我会有这样的想法？is it a sign that i'm finally growing up? finally have the heart to find a girlfriend? as time passes, i realized that this is not the case. the feeling then was the childish thought of i must have what other people are also having. then it crossed my mind.. of what mum used to tell me. 如果你没有那种成熟感，就不要学别人谈恋爱，否则将来你痛苦，对方也痛苦。。actually, what mum said is very true. 爱情不是一种潮流， 它是一种两人之间的承诺.. it is certainly not something to be taken lightly and treated as a game. i understand that now. i will not dread over my peers having their significant other at my current age, because it's not that i can't find her, it's just that i chose to wait till the time is right when i have the proper level of maturity to be ready for a serious relationship. till then, i will be single, and live life to the fullest and cherish the privileges of being single , and available. ahaha!until then, i hope that "she" will wait for me :) so guys, don't ever dread over this sort fo matter, he/she will appear before you when the time is right, and also never jump into a relationship if u don't feel ready for one, or else you're in for alot of trouble . ciaoz ppl. tk care

=_______=

today i'm not doing anything...and apparent 2mr is gonna turn out that way too.. haih..bo bian la..

i'm ok again :D

up and running and good to go~ blocks got postponed for another 2 days, hell yeah! more time to study~ nah, more like procrastinate. ah well, the most important things is, no more depression. credits to mr. tan wei lun for brainwashing me. gamsia gamsia~~ block 3, 我来也~~