how i wish..

that i was more independent. even till now, i'm still very dependent on others for comfort, certain task and to relieve myself off that unpleasant imaginary load felt on my heart manifested by my treacherous limbic system. i dunno but mood swings and depression seems to always have some ties with me, no matter how long i stayed cool away from it. it's bound to come back to haunt me, sooner or later. obviously i'm worry and troubled by this. when i start getting emotional, i lose interest in everything, becoming a zombie that breathes. heck i didn't even wana touch my pharmac sdl just now. but at least the 知死心态 is still strong enough to save me from temptation to flunk my test =X hope all goes well later for the test, tho highly unlikely. ahh screw it

the same problem over and over again. after i did everything that i can, i don't really get the reason that why the fuck did i even give a damn. i'm really sick of giving and not receiving. i'm not mother theresa. i'm not holy to the point that i can disregard my feelings and pretend that they don't matter. i'm human too. i have feelings too. i can get hurt too. maybe you should stop being so self- centered and show some empathy for once in your life. i guess its true that its easy for hurt to revert to hate .guess patience and disappointment has it's limits after all. i was wondering at what level mine was. well not too shabby.cool eh? am proud of myself :) ( the fact that my patience level has improved drastically, and how well i can cope with disappointment XD) .
i felt sorry for myself. the fact that i've been so mean to my own feelings , putting myself through so many mood swings, depression and hard times. and its really all avoidable. i can prevent them from happening again , but there is a voice that keeps telling me that it'll be worth the effort in the end. rite now, i don't think so. fact : it is wrong decision to want to spend a weekly 30 mins bonding time with my bro. yeh who knew that asking ur bro out would be even more difficult than asking a gal out =X . and gosh if this ever happen between me and my future gf, i'd be dead. god bless me for the test later. bye~