是时候反醒反醒一下了...

this strucked me rather unexpectedly.. i'm beginning to doubt my own credibility and personality.. i've always thought that i'm alright the way i am, then suddenly everything doesn't feel right.. i feel that i'm rather vague and fake actually.. or maybe my definition of fake ain't what like what most others perceive to be, i wish i was a little more emphatic and less self centered. i wonder why can't i be nice to people that i don't like.. there was a post on facebook that says: being nice to people you don't like is not being fake, it's called growing up. i can get the point of the avoiding conflict thingy, but wouldn't avoiding the person u don't like means the same? i mean, no contact, hence no conflict rite? Haih, in the end what lies at the back of my mind is: i wish i was less juvenile than this.. Perhaps, i should start learning to accept how to self compromise and tolerate other peoples's flaws, rather than making them sound so severe and unacceptable.. no i wasn't like that before, guess manipal changed me =S So basically i hope that i can be nice to people who i don't like.. some of you might call it as being fake, even i think so, but i guess its time to stop being such a kiddo and grow up..so now the question is, how to start?

oh hello thr~

its been a solid 2 months since i last touched this personal blog of mine. i guess the block 3, 4 and uni exam rly did take up alot of my time, or it may be just that i don't have any emo stuffs to share as of lately. which is a good thing :D haha emo period pass edi la, still left 3 more practical papers to go and its home for me XD hmm still worry about the glove issue :( imma gonna screw up during the osce so badly if i dun practice wearing it. lame i know, but thats d way it is >.< who knew one pair of gloves could cause so much worries?
hmmm..another thing.. these few days i began having one of those random thoughts running about in my head. spontaneous indeed. well, its about LOVE. i must say that among my current peers, i am in the minority group. yes, one without gf. frankly, i never rly gave it a thought in the past. well, one of those rare occasions yes, but it certainly doesn't last long enough to occupy part of my brain's gyri permanently. but then there was a time, when a new couple emerged in my class, i started to feel the pressure. peer pressure. that time, i must admit that i was quite "emo" about it. its like, when you were young in your teenage days, when everyone has a handphone , and you yourself constantly bugs your parents so that u can be like the rest. 别人有的，我也要有.. sadly that was the feeling i was experiencing. stress ar stress ar.. 天啊，为什么我会有这样的想法？is it a sign that i'm finally growing up? finally have the heart to find a girlfriend? as time passes, i realized that this is not the case. the feeling then was the childish thought of i must have what other people are also having. then it crossed my mind.. of what mum used to tell me. 如果你没有那种成熟感，就不要学别人谈恋爱，否则将来你痛苦，对方也痛苦。。actually, what mum said is very true. 爱情不是一种潮流， 它是一种两人之间的承诺.. it is certainly not something to be taken lightly and treated as a game. i understand that now. i will not dread over my peers having their significant other at my current age, because it's not that i can't find her, it's just that i chose to wait till the time is right when i have the proper level of maturity to be ready for a serious relationship. till then, i will be single, and live life to the fullest and cherish the privileges of being single , and available. ahaha!until then, i hope that "she" will wait for me :) so guys, don't ever dread over this sort fo matter, he/she will appear before you when the time is right, and also never jump into a relationship if u don't feel ready for one, or else you're in for alot of trouble . ciaoz ppl. tk care

=_______=

today i'm not doing anything...and apparent 2mr is gonna turn out that way too.. haih..bo bian la..

i'm ok again :D

up and running and good to go~ blocks got postponed for another 2 days, hell yeah! more time to study~ nah, more like procrastinate. ah well, the most important things is, no more depression. credits to mr. tan wei lun for brainwashing me. gamsia gamsia~~ block 3, 我来也~~

some ..well, thoughts~

Lately i've been having some really sudden mood swings.. maybe it's due to pre exam stress or it could be something else. this random thought just crossed my mind today.. i'm surprised how come i never gave it any considerations in the past, and y i have to do it now.. of all times, with exams and all, now? bad timing, really really bad.
i think that i am too simple minded. i can be so naive, and be so trustworthy towards someone that i just "recently" met. i guess i have no right to complain about ppl calling me a little kid, because i think exactly like one. its like, u give me a candy, and i'll think of u as the best person in the world.. get what i mean? i also realized that i tend to give more than what i receive most of the time.. i don't know whether its the way it should work but, i was taught to never expect anything in return for a deed or favor done . but recently i started wondering, for all the things i do for others, even if i don't mind not receiving much compared to what i gave or any at all, do the ppl rly appreciate what you do for them? many people only come to you if they need something for you, its human nature. and this triggered an even deeper question in me that keeps on whispering in my ears into my auditory center.. that is " how many of the many people in your life that you have will stand by you when you really needed a helping hand ? when you're really in need? when you're in trouble? " i couldn't give myself a definite answer. i stumbled then.. a moment there, i was silent and blank.
simply because things happening around me just isn't convincing at all. i don't want to mention any of these sensitive issues over here but yea, simply just ...not convincing at all, not even close.. so many things happened in just one short week.. and it takes just that few things to alter my perceptions towards my social life, which for once in my uni life, i thought of to be the best of both worlds. Reality is a bitch, and she bites hard. its her way of telling me to grow up and life isn't like what you read in fairytales, not all good beginnings lead to happy endings. i still have much much more to learn tho.. at the tender age of 20, i don't think i'm even close to understanding the mysterious workings of life. still have so much to learn.. being optimistic though. even when it seems more like trying to avoid the ugly truth then being the former.. oh and i seriously think i need to stop being so picky, or i'll never find a gf~ LOL

its not about who's right or who's wrong

because the problem can never be solved as long as there is an argument over who's fault it is. the misunderstanding will exacerbate and lead to even more vigorous conflict. it would be easier if we could just admit that we both made a mistake and let it settle once and for all. but then, i don't care anymore. or maybe, i never did..

the evil side of me

everyone has a dark side, and i am no different. constantly am falling towards and losing against this arch nemesis of mine, which just manage to screw up my life when everything was in order. leave me alone can? :((

something wrong with you ar?

well tho there haven't be anyone who asked me this question for a long long time ever since i bid farewell to my unnaturally bizarre emo self.. i'm come to realize certain things about myself. how should i say this.. i am pretty much disgusted of certain negative traits that i sadly possess, especially my tendencies to bear grudge against certain people that somehow just plain annoys me with everything they do. i guess that i owe it all to my horoscope..the thing really does describes me well.. sigh.. but then, it's not to say that i bear grudges to an extreme level like those in the movies..i can forgive, but i won't forget.. and if that particular person does something that crossed my path, boom! apocalypse...i can bring out all the not so nice things they did to me, and can feel myself taken over by anger.. i know its not good , but i just can't help myself.. its like, once someone annoys me, i will never forget that 1st time what he/she did to me. and if i dislike a person, i tend to focus only at their bad points.. it's like what miss tan said before, focusing too much on that black dot on piece of white paper.. mum always taught me to forgive and forget, but sadly i still can't do it. however, its really difficult not getting annoyed by those people, for one does not think before it speaks. utter foolish and idiotic sad to say.. but all in all, i'll try not to judge books by their covers so much.. and try my best to forgive and forget.. it will be a more peaceful world, for me and for them. =) rite back to my sdl~~~ ooooooooooooo microbe...

bored

wish i had other stuffs to do besides studying and sleeping :(

March : an awesome month! =)

there is a lot for me to praise and be happy about march, of north indian trip and lots of delicious foods being some of the many things thats worth to mention. the north indian trip has really been an eye opener: i've been to 5 places that i've never been to before, with one of them being the prestigious taj mahal , one of the 7 wonders of the modern world~ at least now i'm tied with my family, them having visited the great wall of china XD but the real deal from the trip is, i got to know the group of people that i went on the trip with better . an interesting bunch i must say. wouldn't have been so fun without them =) THE NEXT THING, food! yes food! yummy, scrumptious , expensive, seductive, fattening yet irrrestible food! am utterly spoilt by my parents and sister~ each day they brought me to my restaurant of choice and i gorged down food in a single meal that is nearly comparable to how much i eat for 3 days in manipal. can feel the tummy building up but nahh, i'll lose em eventually. so yeah, getting fat and loving it XD went to medan for a week to visit my dad. i must say i am over prejudice towards the country in the past. i always thought of it to be boring and uninteresting. i guess its coz of my dads previous home in the estate so far away from civilization ~ i don't really know how i managed to live though my months of holidays there during my high sch days. urghh as far i can i tell i'd probably bang the wall in a few days time >< anyway, a week of family time together. priceless~ hope dad takes good care fo himself there . sucks being alone in a faraway land. i know that feeling :(
blocks results are out~ am not happy nor sad with what i got, but with the amount of effort put in, i must say that i have actually got much more than i deserved. hence, grateful :) block 2 has been horrible nonetheless. generally all of us flunked it. this sem there is the horrid unis, ohh the horror. anyway, it will turn out for the better =) i'm sure of it XD but most importantly, i am who i used to be. goodbye to my old emo self, i won't miss you ~ XOXO ciaoz ppl

block 2 finish~~

finally it ends. this is one hell of a bulky block. man totally felt like i was studying for unis .. the tension, the pressure.. arghh.. but its ok..its all over now..we'll see how block 2 results will turn out to be.. but i'm quite positive that this blocks achievement will be like no other. reverting back to my form 5 and A level self, which is entirely a good sign. =) but for now, north india here i come! XD

annoyed and frustrated

today is the last day of lectures. well, technically, we do still have practicals tho. my batch am supposed to go for the pathology practicals 1st, but somehow, well, shit happens. batch A got to go 1st, AGAIN. yes 2 consecutive weeks. pls la, be fair ok? we went for microbe 1st ytd coz u guys went 1st last week. and now you're using the fact that we went for microbe 1st as an excuse ? no fair. to be honest, i'm stated to rly feel bu shuang.

hate and anger?

i must admit that i'm being harassed by these 2 outcasts for the past week. been so long since i had the heart to hate and be angry about something. i guess i am a human being after all. looking up google to find ways of how to manage my emotions. hatred and anger, begone!

how i wish..

that i was more independent. even till now, i'm still very dependent on others for comfort, certain task and to relieve myself off that unpleasant imaginary load felt on my heart manifested by my treacherous limbic system. i dunno but mood swings and depression seems to always have some ties with me, no matter how long i stayed cool away from it. it's bound to come back to haunt me, sooner or later. obviously i'm worry and troubled by this. when i start getting emotional, i lose interest in everything, becoming a zombie that breathes. heck i didn't even wana touch my pharmac sdl just now. but at least the 知死心态 is still strong enough to save me from temptation to flunk my test =X hope all goes well later for the test, tho highly unlikely. ahh screw it

the same problem over and over again. after i did everything that i can, i don't really get the reason that why the fuck did i even give a damn. i'm really sick of giving and not receiving. i'm not mother theresa. i'm not holy to the point that i can disregard my feelings and pretend that they don't matter. i'm human too. i have feelings too. i can get hurt too. maybe you should stop being so self- centered and show some empathy for once in your life. i guess its true that its easy for hurt to revert to hate .guess patience and disappointment has it's limits after all. i was wondering at what level mine was. well not too shabby.cool eh? am proud of myself :) ( the fact that my patience level has improved drastically, and how well i can cope with disappointment XD) .
i felt sorry for myself. the fact that i've been so mean to my own feelings , putting myself through so many mood swings, depression and hard times. and its really all avoidable. i can prevent them from happening again , but there is a voice that keeps telling me that it'll be worth the effort in the end. rite now, i don't think so. fact : it is wrong decision to want to spend a weekly 30 mins bonding time with my bro. yeh who knew that asking ur bro out would be even more difficult than asking a gal out =X . and gosh if this ever happen between me and my future gf, i'd be dead. god bless me for the test later. bye~

dunno leh...

i'm a bit worry.. i'm feeling depressed and insecure all of a sudden. i feel alone and deserted. worthless and insignificant. why is that? not again....zzzz