it gets worse.....

i've haven't rly been quite myself for the past 2 weeks, and it seem to have worsen over the past week, whr i was emoing to the point that it has started to affect my priority (my academic performance), my performance was bad. plain bad. i duno how am i gonna deal with anatomy with the nxt few blocks to come. life have been so meaningless, so empty and so vague eversince i came here. i seriously duno wat is wrong with myself. i dun even know whether picking this course was ever the right decision for me as frankly speaking i dun think i have any of the good qualities that makes a good doctor. i'm so lost, so lonely, going mad, hysterical. i duno how long i can keep up with this, one day i will fall, only time will tell...telling mum will only make her worry, dad 's not gonna be bothered, as he always say, " all u need to do is study, nothing else" . me "=.=""

Loneliness is a feeling where people experience a powerful surge of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another . Loneliness is more like feeling empty, unwanted, and unnecessary. wikipedia's definition says it all, tats what i'm feeling now. i duno y i tend to stay away from ppl around me. sometimes i even ask myself, y do i do things that will eventually lead to my own isolation and misery? not to say nobody understands me, even i dun understand myself. but to be frank, my family really haven't paid much attention to my personal development, mentally, dun get me wrong, they're good, education and materialistically, but what i need more than that is juz more attention , someone to talk to, someone in which i can share every little secret with,and not keeping all the pain i'm experiencing inside me, but sad to say..my parents know very little about me, especially my dad, he can't even remember how old i was this year. talk about family huh? SWT
but yet, i know my isolation i due to my own doing, its not tat i want to, its just tat i can't help it. thr is always this kinda barrier between me and the ppl around, i want to talk to them, but i couldn't make the 1st move. sometimes it got me thinking , if u have a sucky personality, it is possible for you to have a bunch of frenz by being yourself, or u have to assume another personality, a "shell" which is not rly u at all to feel accepted, and liked? pathetic... its juz plain pathetic. needless to say anything more. have u ever went through this kind of process b4? think about it. as for myself, i'll probably continue ASPD-ing, as i can't seem to find the key to break free from this "cage" i'm kept in.but who knows, i might break free one day. or i'm be whr i am foever, again, only time will tell. and merry christmas to all the folks out thr, tho i'll probably be alone throughout the holidays, owning to my inability to open up myself to others. and whoever who took their precious time to read my load of crap, u have my utmos gratitude.