It's been a long long time...

  whoa! its been almost 2 years since my last post. to be honest, i've abandoned this blog for longer than i can remember , and only did it pop back in my mind after i clicked on one of my friend's blog linked which i would not have discovered again had i not delete some of the extra links off the tool bar. figures. lol
  this blog has always been a place where i use to vent about and write about sad or unhappy experiences. looking back at the stuffs i used to write about , i have no idea why i used to react like i did before. looking at now and then, i'm a complete different person from what i used to be. not blogging here actually means a good thing, it means that i am not plagued by my emotions, and that i am brave enough to face them in reality instead of pondering non stop and turning round in circles. throughout my life thus far, i have made many mistakes, some which i regretted till this very day, an some which i am glad happened  and gave my a chance to become what i am today. i realised that i too yearn more in life, what is it like to really fall in love with the person who will one day be my wife, what is it like to achieve my dream and live the quality life style that i've accustomed myself to. and also to make many life long friends who will be there until death do us part. To be fair, god has been very fair to me. I have nothing more to complain about , although i still do from time to time. 5 years ago did i started this blog, and after 5 years , here i am as a fully qualified junior doctor. time flies doesn't it? and i'm still getting used to the dr title. still feels weird whenever anyone calls me that. =S
  the next chapter awaits me , in a land far far away. rest assure all goes well and i will live life to the fullest and achieve my dream. i will probably neglect this blog again for god knows how long, but even if u on't see any post from me, don't worry as it means that i am alive and well and living life to the fullest. may god bless you all ! :)

i saw right through you

  you, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use again me, you, have knocked me off my feet got me feeling like nothing.. you can take me down, with just one single blow, utilizing my oen and only weakness against me, but sorry to tell you, you don't know what you don't know. the incident is indeed a blessing in disguise. you may seem to think that you have won the war, but sorry to tell you, there was no war, only your delusions that i think will never ever fade. trying to bring me down? haha thanks for giving me the ultimate liberation ever from this plague that has tortured me for god knows how long. 要我跟你作对？ 对不起， 你， 不配。 

writing poems = emo moments..aihhh

                                                                   TRUTH



Once in your life you make the friends that are true
 Nothing else matters except what's between them and you
You and I both started off like any normal friends,
 But neither of us expected what would become of us today .


I remember the early days we would do a lot of things together
from baking, guitar, photography
 or just hanging out,
and it pains me to know that these are just mere memories.


 over time i can feel that we are drifting apart
 we don't text or call because it ain't our norm
 when i saw you with your new found gang
all i can do was to just stop and stare.



I tried to save what i hold dear to me
 this friendship that i hold so sacred and no doubt adored
 i went a long way to let you know how much you mean to me
 but the outcome didn't turn out like i hoped for


 I missed the times when we used to be able to spend time together
 for what seemed so easy to come by before has become so difficult to have
 i held back and so did you
and now i'm paying the price


calling you a friend would be an understatement
 because you mean much more than that
so i always called you my brother,
 because that' s how much you mean to me


 i tried to give you the best i can
i tried to help you in every way that i could
 i'm sorry if i derranged along the way
 because hurting you was never on my list.


 i was sad when you misunderstood me wrongly
accusing me of being the way you perceive me to be
 despite countless attempts to reassure you
 all efforts ended in vain


things can only get worse as time goes by
we pass by as if we never saw each other
 we try to avoid each other in every way possible
 and this is the outcome


 so many misunderstandings and problems left unattended
 i was mad at you for not telling me of their existense
 but i was angrier at myself
 for not realizing what they were sooner


 I gave my all to prevent you from getting hurt
 but still it caused you problems and pain
 i can't apologize enough
 because i've failed to protect you even though i tried


and then the inevitable happened
the incident that changed us forever
i wished that i never asked you
 for it was too much a price to pay for a favor so small



 i'm sorry that i have sounded selfish and unreasonable
 because i did not get the full picture due to my carelessness
what i did only made matters worse
and i still regret it till this very day


 i don't expect you to believe me
 for it is as ridiculous as it sounds
 but here i assure you
every word i tell you is genuine and true


 i should have been more understanding
 i should have been more sensitive
 i should have been less calculative
 but that is almost too late to regret now


 i don't give a damn what other say about me,
or what they say about you
 for all that i know
our friendship  involves only both of us


i used to dread over what i should have done
or what i shouldn't have
 but the only important thing now is
 that i correct my mistakes and treat you well

 i don't know what's going on in your mind
 whether you've given up hope or not
 but until the day you tell me its over
 i will cling on to that slight hope that things will turn out fine


 i'm just a human and i make mistakes
 i can't be a perfect friend to you
 but what i promise you is
 i will try my best to make it up to you


 whatever that holds for us in the future
 whether you'll be an important part of my life like you've always been
or slowly fade away like the morning mist
 though i wish that day will never come


 it's allright if you hate me ,
 but should the outcome turn out to be the latter,
 one thing is for sure
 i'll never forget you

growing up

It's something that we are constantly going through everyday as long as our hearts still beat. Some of us attain the appropriate maturity at an early age, some made it just in time while others tend to fall back and are referred to as childish. Even till now, i am still unsure as to which category do i belong. Been having these thoughts going on in my head , and they just won't stop bugging me no matter how hard i tried. Talking to the counselor proved to be a futile effort, as i already know by heart all the advices that she gave me. Its just that, i have no idea where or how to start. She said, do the things that you love when you're feeling stressed, you need that time for yourself, or else you'll go insane. Living in the hostel with so many restrictions, i have no idea on how to smuggle an aquarium in. I don't even think that its allowed. picking up new things to learn is easy, but maintaining the interest and enthusiasm isn't a walk in the park. To be honest, i have nobody to share my hobbies with. Since young, i've always been a person who does things alone. I may have a loving family, but there are certain things that my parents overlooked during my upbringing. I guess they never realized how lonely i felt when i was little. My eldest sister has never really been a major part of my life as she lived with and was brought up by my grandmother. My younger sister is 5 years younger and really isn't an ideal companion at that time. looking back at the old days, i realized my childhood have been pretty dull. Dad is always too busy working and hardly pays any attention to me.Mum has always been there for me, but then again, she's a lady. Being alone too long to the point that i'm so used to it, led to social withdrawal and isolation from my peers. I have never been to any birthday parties organised by my friends when i was young, simply because i lived so far away from seremban at that time. I also never had the chance to grow up with neighbors, since we lived in an isolated bungalow deep within the plantation estate. Even after we moved to seremban when i was form 1, we tend to keep to ourselves most of the time. The only times i ever interacted with "friends" was in school. apart from that, i was always at home. Its difficult to change once you've been moulded into what you are due to your family background and environment that you've been living in for so long. It isn't a choice whether to change or not. Personality can't be changed after a certain age, at least not by the faint- hearted. The good news is, i'm more sociable now compared to before. But there is still a part of the shadow from the past that keeps haunting me till this very day. There is just too much for me to analyse and put into words. My social developmental milestone is indeed pretty shortcoming. Let's just say, at the age of 22, i'm living my current life as a teenager. My close friends pairing up one by one wasn't easy on me i admit. I don't have the chance to have outings or fun before i entered university. The feeling was really ecstatic. it was like a drug, once you've had some, you yearn for more. But sadly, i'm at a age where people are more inclined in dedicating their lives to their significant other. Sigh, at time i felt like giving in into this peer pressure, but my consciences tell me not to. It isn't easy to meet somebody who you truly fall for, and sadly , i have let that chance pass me by.. simply because before that, i never realized my feelings for her.. we were so young back then, at the tender age of 16.. the 1st day i lay my eyes on her, i know that she is a nice person. knowing her family background and her parents personally, i have no doubts about that. And then , we ended up in the same college. We were in the same class for as long as our A level course lasted, and along the way, she was taken by someone from another course in the same college. I swear that at that very moment, i did not feel anything at all. i wasn't affected by the fact that she is no longer single because at that time, never had being in a relationship ever crossed my mind . It went on until we all went our separate ways. we hardly kept in touch after that,tho i still met up wif her whenever i came back to malaysia for my semester break. She was in Nottingham, doing E & E. Until few days before she left for the UK, i rmb i gave her a photo frame with the group photo of our A level mates. but little does she know that, i myself have 'subconsciously" slipped an extra photo behind the one displayed , a photo of me and her. A few days after that , she left and i went back to india. It was all ok until about a year later in 2011, when i sudden thought about her. Though deep down my heart i know that we are definitely not close as b4 since both of us haven't been keeping in touch for months and even years. and then the question popped in head, is it possible that she is single now? Her FB profile showed no trace that she was in a active relationship, but then again i wasn't so hasty into making an assumption. but all i can say is, all of a sudden, i start to think about her more frequently. i started to send her inbox msg once in awhile , just to keep myself updated. but again my conscience tells me that i shouldn't keep my hopes up. All i can say is , as time goes by, my feelings for her has grown slowly each day, but i never had the courage to ask her if she is currently single or not. Ok.. perhaps i shouldn't share too much on this , but all i can say is, if one asks me the question " have you ever met a girl that actually made you visualize the possible life that you might have together with her down the road? " my answer would be her .

so this is how its gonna be?

Generally, people are very subtle and shallow. they always leave the old ones behind and go for the new ones. well, ever since the postings last semester, it was already pretty obvious what was going on. you see new people forming groups together, while old ones dispersing. its like a chemical reaction, bonds being broken, weakened and formed simultaneously. fine, i accept that fact. thought it couldn't get any more worse than that, and it proved me wrong. however, it proved to me how subtle some people really are. even those who were once very close to you whom you thought will never leave you ended up repeating history and ended up having new circle of companionship. Of course we all have the right and desire to make new friends, but pls la... dun ambil yang jernih buang yang keruh.. sometimes i think i've been trying too hard on people not worthy of my time. all along , it has always been me to have to initiate everything. dinner, movies , dates.. literally.. sometimes i wonder what will happen if i dun care at all.. so many friendships, i feel are only unidirectional. there seem to be no reciprocation from the other party. and this really made me feel like a fool desperate for attention. duno lar.. so many sad case nowadays. sini sana ajak semua pun ada plans with the new found group.. zzzzzz.. uhhhh that's y i hate melaka postings so much, and my current g2 group. yes there are nice people in my group apart form the jerks but there was nobody that i can truly relate to. and that's well.. kinda sad really.. miis my manipal postings group, at least back then i have yan shao , qj, tsing yee, sing ping and a few others. T.T
i dun even see some people that i used to be close with ever since the start of this semester... sure i've found some new friends with the same wavelength that i can mingle with, but that doesn't mean i'm willing to let the ones that are already close to me leave. sure i'll still try to find time to spend with them, however some of them don't seem to share the same interest as me. at times i feel like an idiot.. y so dedicated to people who made you optional in their lives? this is one thing about myself that i hate and unable to change. well, at least there are still people around like miss tan , huang jie and a few others who still cares. at least these few people still gives me the strength and faith to believe that not all people are 喜新厌旧.. but again, if people want to be in your life, they will make an effort to stay in it. not like me constantly making an effort to keep them in it. i've tried too hard in the past and present, and i really thought of giving up.. duno how long more i can hold on like this. but i guess in the end, i had nothing to lose. coz in the worst case scenario, i would have lost someone who didn't appreciate me, but they would have lost someone who appreciated them alot. not my loss in the end. i guess , that's life la

Failure

Nobody likes failure. Failure is accompanied by so many negative things varying from loss of self esteem to discrimination by other.Acceptance of failure varies from person to person, some take it easy and learn from it while some take it extremely hard and not being able to pull through with it. And i'm the latter. The outcome wasn't what i expected to get at all. For a person who never tasted failure before, the news was an extremely devastating blow to my emotions at that very moment. Disruption to my mood wasn't exactly subtle.. i know people around me knows something was wrong.. but at that time, i couldn't care less. at this time, what i really need is some time alone to get through all this shit. but i know i have no one to blame except my self.. if you don't water the tree, don't expect to get the fruits. true story. even if it does not really affect what happens next, the fact that i have achieved this failure will be a scar on my self esteem for quite a period of time.

是时候反醒反醒一下了...

this strucked me rather unexpectedly.. i'm beginning to doubt my own credibility and personality.. i've always thought that i'm alright the way i am, then suddenly everything doesn't feel right.. i feel that i'm rather vague and fake actually.. or maybe my definition of fake ain't what like what most others perceive to be, i wish i was a little more emphatic and less self centered. i wonder why can't i be nice to people that i don't like.. there was a post on facebook that says: being nice to people you don't like is not being fake, it's called growing up. i can get the point of the avoiding conflict thingy, but wouldn't avoiding the person u don't like means the same? i mean, no contact, hence no conflict rite? Haih, in the end what lies at the back of my mind is: i wish i was less juvenile than this.. Perhaps, i should start learning to accept how to self compromise and tolerate other peoples's flaws, rather than making them sound so severe and unacceptable.. no i wasn't like that before, guess manipal changed me =S So basically i hope that i can be nice to people who i don't like.. some of you might call it as being fake, even i think so, but i guess its time to stop being such a kiddo and grow up..so now the question is, how to start?

oh hello thr~

its been a solid 2 months since i last touched this personal blog of mine. i guess the block 3, 4 and uni exam rly did take up alot of my time, or it may be just that i don't have any emo stuffs to share as of lately. which is a good thing :D haha emo period pass edi la, still left 3 more practical papers to go and its home for me XD hmm still worry about the glove issue :( imma gonna screw up during the osce so badly if i dun practice wearing it. lame i know, but thats d way it is >.< who knew one pair of gloves could cause so much worries?
hmmm..another thing.. these few days i began having one of those random thoughts running about in my head. spontaneous indeed. well, its about LOVE. i must say that among my current peers, i am in the minority group. yes, one without gf. frankly, i never rly gave it a thought in the past. well, one of those rare occasions yes, but it certainly doesn't last long enough to occupy part of my brain's gyri permanently. but then there was a time, when a new couple emerged in my class, i started to feel the pressure. peer pressure. that time, i must admit that i was quite "emo" about it. its like, when you were young in your teenage days, when everyone has a handphone , and you yourself constantly bugs your parents so that u can be like the rest. 别人有的，我也要有.. sadly that was the feeling i was experiencing. stress ar stress ar.. 天啊，为什么我会有这样的想法？is it a sign that i'm finally growing up? finally have the heart to find a girlfriend? as time passes, i realized that this is not the case. the feeling then was the childish thought of i must have what other people are also having. then it crossed my mind.. of what mum used to tell me. 如果你没有那种成熟感，就不要学别人谈恋爱，否则将来你痛苦，对方也痛苦。。actually, what mum said is very true. 爱情不是一种潮流， 它是一种两人之间的承诺.. it is certainly not something to be taken lightly and treated as a game. i understand that now. i will not dread over my peers having their significant other at my current age, because it's not that i can't find her, it's just that i chose to wait till the time is right when i have the proper level of maturity to be ready for a serious relationship. till then, i will be single, and live life to the fullest and cherish the privileges of being single , and available. ahaha!until then, i hope that "she" will wait for me :) so guys, don't ever dread over this sort fo matter, he/she will appear before you when the time is right, and also never jump into a relationship if u don't feel ready for one, or else you're in for alot of trouble . ciaoz ppl. tk care

=_______=

today i'm not doing anything...and apparent 2mr is gonna turn out that way too.. haih..bo bian la..

i'm ok again :D

up and running and good to go~ blocks got postponed for another 2 days, hell yeah! more time to study~ nah, more like procrastinate. ah well, the most important things is, no more depression. credits to mr. tan wei lun for brainwashing me. gamsia gamsia~~ block 3, 我来也~~

some ..well, thoughts~

Lately i've been having some really sudden mood swings.. maybe it's due to pre exam stress or it could be something else. this random thought just crossed my mind today.. i'm surprised how come i never gave it any considerations in the past, and y i have to do it now.. of all times, with exams and all, now? bad timing, really really bad.
i think that i am too simple minded. i can be so naive, and be so trustworthy towards someone that i just "recently" met. i guess i have no right to complain about ppl calling me a little kid, because i think exactly like one. its like, u give me a candy, and i'll think of u as the best person in the world.. get what i mean? i also realized that i tend to give more than what i receive most of the time.. i don't know whether its the way it should work but, i was taught to never expect anything in return for a deed or favor done . but recently i started wondering, for all the things i do for others, even if i don't mind not receiving much compared to what i gave or any at all, do the ppl rly appreciate what you do for them? many people only come to you if they need something for you, its human nature. and this triggered an even deeper question in me that keeps on whispering in my ears into my auditory center.. that is " how many of the many people in your life that you have will stand by you when you really needed a helping hand ? when you're really in need? when you're in trouble? " i couldn't give myself a definite answer. i stumbled then.. a moment there, i was silent and blank.
simply because things happening around me just isn't convincing at all. i don't want to mention any of these sensitive issues over here but yea, simply just ...not convincing at all, not even close.. so many things happened in just one short week.. and it takes just that few things to alter my perceptions towards my social life, which for once in my uni life, i thought of to be the best of both worlds. Reality is a bitch, and she bites hard. its her way of telling me to grow up and life isn't like what you read in fairytales, not all good beginnings lead to happy endings. i still have much much more to learn tho.. at the tender age of 20, i don't think i'm even close to understanding the mysterious workings of life. still have so much to learn.. being optimistic though. even when it seems more like trying to avoid the ugly truth then being the former.. oh and i seriously think i need to stop being so picky, or i'll never find a gf~ LOL

its not about who's right or who's wrong

because the problem can never be solved as long as there is an argument over who's fault it is. the misunderstanding will exacerbate and lead to even more vigorous conflict. it would be easier if we could just admit that we both made a mistake and let it settle once and for all. but then, i don't care anymore. or maybe, i never did..

the evil side of me

everyone has a dark side, and i am no different. constantly am falling towards and losing against this arch nemesis of mine, which just manage to screw up my life when everything was in order. leave me alone can? :((

something wrong with you ar?

well tho there haven't be anyone who asked me this question for a long long time ever since i bid farewell to my unnaturally bizarre emo self.. i'm come to realize certain things about myself. how should i say this.. i am pretty much disgusted of certain negative traits that i sadly possess, especially my tendencies to bear grudge against certain people that somehow just plain annoys me with everything they do. i guess that i owe it all to my horoscope..the thing really does describes me well.. sigh.. but then, it's not to say that i bear grudges to an extreme level like those in the movies..i can forgive, but i won't forget.. and if that particular person does something that crossed my path, boom! apocalypse...i can bring out all the not so nice things they did to me, and can feel myself taken over by anger.. i know its not good , but i just can't help myself.. its like, once someone annoys me, i will never forget that 1st time what he/she did to me. and if i dislike a person, i tend to focus only at their bad points.. it's like what miss tan said before, focusing too much on that black dot on piece of white paper.. mum always taught me to forgive and forget, but sadly i still can't do it. however, its really difficult not getting annoyed by those people, for one does not think before it speaks. utter foolish and idiotic sad to say.. but all in all, i'll try not to judge books by their covers so much.. and try my best to forgive and forget.. it will be a more peaceful world, for me and for them. =) rite back to my sdl~~~ ooooooooooooo microbe...

bored

wish i had other stuffs to do besides studying and sleeping :(

March : an awesome month! =)

there is a lot for me to praise and be happy about march, of north indian trip and lots of delicious foods being some of the many things thats worth to mention. the north indian trip has really been an eye opener: i've been to 5 places that i've never been to before, with one of them being the prestigious taj mahal , one of the 7 wonders of the modern world~ at least now i'm tied with my family, them having visited the great wall of china XD but the real deal from the trip is, i got to know the group of people that i went on the trip with better . an interesting bunch i must say. wouldn't have been so fun without them =) THE NEXT THING, food! yes food! yummy, scrumptious , expensive, seductive, fattening yet irrrestible food! am utterly spoilt by my parents and sister~ each day they brought me to my restaurant of choice and i gorged down food in a single meal that is nearly comparable to how much i eat for 3 days in manipal. can feel the tummy building up but nahh, i'll lose em eventually. so yeah, getting fat and loving it XD went to medan for a week to visit my dad. i must say i am over prejudice towards the country in the past. i always thought of it to be boring and uninteresting. i guess its coz of my dads previous home in the estate so far away from civilization ~ i don't really know how i managed to live though my months of holidays there during my high sch days. urghh as far i can i tell i'd probably bang the wall in a few days time >< anyway, a week of family time together. priceless~ hope dad takes good care fo himself there . sucks being alone in a faraway land. i know that feeling :(
blocks results are out~ am not happy nor sad with what i got, but with the amount of effort put in, i must say that i have actually got much more than i deserved. hence, grateful :) block 2 has been horrible nonetheless. generally all of us flunked it. this sem there is the horrid unis, ohh the horror. anyway, it will turn out for the better =) i'm sure of it XD but most importantly, i am who i used to be. goodbye to my old emo self, i won't miss you ~ XOXO ciaoz ppl

block 2 finish~~

finally it ends. this is one hell of a bulky block. man totally felt like i was studying for unis .. the tension, the pressure.. arghh.. but its ok..its all over now..we'll see how block 2 results will turn out to be.. but i'm quite positive that this blocks achievement will be like no other. reverting back to my form 5 and A level self, which is entirely a good sign. =) but for now, north india here i come! XD

annoyed and frustrated

today is the last day of lectures. well, technically, we do still have practicals tho. my batch am supposed to go for the pathology practicals 1st, but somehow, well, shit happens. batch A got to go 1st, AGAIN. yes 2 consecutive weeks. pls la, be fair ok? we went for microbe 1st ytd coz u guys went 1st last week. and now you're using the fact that we went for microbe 1st as an excuse ? no fair. to be honest, i'm stated to rly feel bu shuang.

hate and anger?

i must admit that i'm being harassed by these 2 outcasts for the past week. been so long since i had the heart to hate and be angry about something. i guess i am a human being after all. looking up google to find ways of how to manage my emotions. hatred and anger, begone!

how i wish..

that i was more independent. even till now, i'm still very dependent on others for comfort, certain task and to relieve myself off that unpleasant imaginary load felt on my heart manifested by my treacherous limbic system. i dunno but mood swings and depression seems to always have some ties with me, no matter how long i stayed cool away from it. it's bound to come back to haunt me, sooner or later. obviously i'm worry and troubled by this. when i start getting emotional, i lose interest in everything, becoming a zombie that breathes. heck i didn't even wana touch my pharmac sdl just now. but at least the 知死心态 is still strong enough to save me from temptation to flunk my test =X hope all goes well later for the test, tho highly unlikely. ahh screw it

the same problem over and over again. after i did everything that i can, i don't really get the reason that why the fuck did i even give a damn. i'm really sick of giving and not receiving. i'm not mother theresa. i'm not holy to the point that i can disregard my feelings and pretend that they don't matter. i'm human too. i have feelings too. i can get hurt too. maybe you should stop being so self- centered and show some empathy for once in your life. i guess its true that its easy for hurt to revert to hate .guess patience and disappointment has it's limits after all. i was wondering at what level mine was. well not too shabby.cool eh? am proud of myself :) ( the fact that my patience level has improved drastically, and how well i can cope with disappointment XD) .
i felt sorry for myself. the fact that i've been so mean to my own feelings , putting myself through so many mood swings, depression and hard times. and its really all avoidable. i can prevent them from happening again , but there is a voice that keeps telling me that it'll be worth the effort in the end. rite now, i don't think so. fact : it is wrong decision to want to spend a weekly 30 mins bonding time with my bro. yeh who knew that asking ur bro out would be even more difficult than asking a gal out =X . and gosh if this ever happen between me and my future gf, i'd be dead. god bless me for the test later. bye~