aiya, 我就很无聊啊， 哈哈哈

ahem, yes hello world, how yall doing? hope everyone is fine of coz =) its 2 am now and i'm energised :D woke up late, of coz lar. hahahaa . rite, i'll get straight to the point. need to study later >.< block exam is just 10 days away, awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww :(


to start, ahem, let me say this phrase in chinese. got more feeling. hahaha..我是一个很注重感情的人。。which basically means, i'm a person who treasures relationships, or something like dat.
so basically today, i wana write about something thats important to me, well at least i think it is =) oh so you know, what kind of post this is gonna turn out to be lar ( you've been warned! read at your own risk. bwahahaha )
aites, how shall i begin? here goes....i remembered the early days in manipal..everything was so new, so different. couldn't help but having a serious case of culture shock. manipal is so outdated, nuff said. it wasn't easy living alone, once one have gotten so used to having mummy wake him/her up everyday. there is no one to force me to have breakfast, nor prepare it for me everyday in the morning. the same goes for both dinner and lunch. and also the risk of being late or missing classes still applies to me until today. needless to say more, my life sucked here. i was afraid, to start all over again. so many new people, and that was when all the question mark popped up. eg, can i trust anyone? / what should i do now? / where do i go for dinner today, i'm sick of the fudcot etc
well i did adapt after sometime...everything was getting back on track. gotten used to the life style, tho still pretty reluctant about it. bot most of all, loneliness was the biggest obstacle that stands in my way. but then, at this time, yew shiong came into my life.he was a really nice person. he took the time to listen to my whines and complains, gave me the advices i needed to get going with my life in manipal, as well as providing me with the companionship that i so desperately needed. i gotta say, you gave me the joy i always hoped to have again. it was because of you, that have allowed me to remain sane in manipal till this very day. it was also you that gave me hope, that life in manipal ain't so bad after all, no matter how hard life can be, we'll have to keep moving on. one thing i like about is that, i can share almost everything with you. from my secrets , to my kinda gal and other rubbish talk .needless to say, i never doubted your intentions. i enjoyed the times when we hang out together at end point, lepak-ing late at night and talking crap on msn. since then, u can say that, in my rank of friends in manipal, you're on the top of the list. yeah, you're the big brother i never had, and my best friend in manipal =) 就很有亲切感啦。咔咔咔咔~~~
life was great and all, but, i guess everything has an expiry date, and this is no exception, no matter how hard i refuse to deter myself from accepting it. after some time, i felt like we're drifting apart. it just ain't the same as before anymore. even though u assured me nothing was wrong, i knew there was, i just know it, but i don't know what is it. firstly, there is no more outing and lepak-ing like before, and very less time on msn. nowadays, we can go days,even weeks without talking, in which months back, we talk almost everyday. i know its my fault to begin with, as i've been spending too much time skyping with the other person too much that i've distance myself away from you eversince i came back to manipal for the 2nd semester. i noticed the little things u do to me, eg, kacauing me while i collapsed on the lecture table, pull my hair once in a while and usap usap kepala . hahaha , frankly, i kinda like dat, coz thats what close friends do, and only close friends would dare to do that to you =) but, i realised, i was rather cold myself towards you during the month of march this year.i don't respond like i used to,i ignore u even when clearly i saw u , and i give this muka masam that is enuf to make a rose wilt instantly. sighs, u know how bad that makes me feel? i seriously dunno what i'm up to. after sometime, i realised that you've stopped talking to me. you don't do those little things that you do anymore. and there was little to no interaction between us in this month. the only times when u talked to me was just about some formal stuffs , like studies and all. since when did it become like this? how did a friendship in which i thought to be resolute and transcendent, became something so vague and awkward? in other words, pointless. if anyone knows me well enuf, i'm never an initiator of action, am always the effector( physio going on here LOL). maybe thats where the problem lies. aites, i'll be the initiator, at least for once. but, it didn't turn out the way i expected it to be. your responses were the kinds that gives the feeling of non- interest and awkwardness. at times, i do not know what else i should say. there was nothing, only dead silence. if only i knew why, and if only i had the courage to talk to you about it, but the fact is, i don't.
kai lin told me, 人生有很多过路客。。i must say, i couldn't agree more with this. its absolutely true, 100 % valid if u ask me. however, deep down inside, no matter how much i try to make myself think of u as a 过路客 in my life, i couldn't do it. that is because, u were there for me during one of my most vulnerable state of my university life. you were there to console me and act as my listening ear. you were my counsellor , but most importantly, you're my best friend i got to know in manipal, and i'll always be grateful for what you did for me in the past, no matter what that becomes of us . i can't really say what i mean to you, but i can tell, u mean a great deal to me. and losing this friendship seumpama menghiris hati sendiri. i'm sorry for not returning the same smiles u shown me. i 'm sorry for being so rude and mean to you at times. i'm sorry for ignoring u all the time, i'm sorry for pretending not to see you even though i did, very clearly. i'm sorry for being such a jerk for the past few months. from the very bottom of my heart, i sincerely apologize. but, this is something that i think that i'll never have the courage to tell u in person. hopeless~ sigh

fact :)

i just don't want to be the one that day in day out helps but when it's my turn to be the friend in need, everyone else just turns their backs.

oh well, one can only hope.


well, thats short ain't it? just copy n paste from another blog lar. kekeke. just that it again describes one of my thoughts when it comes to his royal emoness =)

it occured to me....

after reading a status update of my friend, it finally corssed my mine. is what that he's feeling is the same as what i'm feeling as well? it felt so familiar...what he said... feeling only needed , but never wanted...as our presense are just there to play a role, not just because ppl wants you thr, whether you are important or not. so yea..

appreciation with a piece of my mind

after reading a post from a dear friend of mine, there was something about it that sparkled some thoughts out of the brain of this emo specimen. its only too much of a coincidence that what he wrote is in fact one of the many things that i never could have found the right way to express, nor fully understand the true meaning of it.

i thought to myself then..what would my life have been like, if i hadn't met my dear pal wen mei, who is as close as a sister, even though we aren't related by blood and only known each other for merely a few years? what would it be like, without people like sebastian, sin yin ,kai lin, charmaine , kit shawn , miki and yee fu( just to name a few) being part of the life of which i;m currently living? i can't tell. i've always thought of things not going my way, and i tend to resent it so much, to the point of putting myself in intense sadness and misery. i've always thought that if i could have it the way i want, i'd be happier and more cheerful. of course, who wouldn't be? however, when i think back of the past, the decisions in which i stress over for thinking it made my life sucky compared to the one if made would have an even more positive impact on my life, wasn't actually as bad as i think it is. even though i have alot of friends in sunway, and it would be great to be with them, i've come to the term that it wasn't the path intended for me. perhaps my life would have been better, or it might turn out worse. who knows?
however, i realised that what i went through and experienced has actually made me a stronger person, emotionally. i know, it sucks, but if it weren't for the bad experiences, i wouldn't have gained the endurance to stand up against harsh comments, mean gossips and total isolation. i've actually met a lot of people in my so called undesired path that changed me for the better. now, i couldn't imagine life without true friends like wen mei ,miki and many others. those who gave me moral support, acted as my punching bag and a ear to listen , were in fact the people that i met along the undesired path. i've always overlooked that, and i am indeed shameful of it. i've always trying to get what i longed for , and i always tend to slip into depression if i don't get what i want. sometimes, its not about what u want, everything happens for a reason. there is a reason why i ended up in inti, as well as me ending up here in manipal. its not what i want, but i know, i have to learn to accept it, no matter what. there is no turning back, be brave n keep moving forward.
appreciate the people around you who trully cares and matter, you'll never know when u might need them by your side , instead of going after those that were never meant to be yours in the very beginning.

scribble , scribble , scribble...another feeling expressing session :)

i have forsakened myself...to be honest, i have lost many opportunities given to me to make things better for myself, but because of this "think too much" and uptight part of me, i let them drift away..and when i went looking back for them, it was already out of reach. damn it, i condemn these traits of mine to the core..the insecure and uncomfortable feeling i keep getting, the fear, feeling uneasy, i duno y i even had these in the 1st place. perhaps, i do care about what others think of me after all..
maybe not everyone, just certain people. but what really haunts me rite now is the awful feeling of insecurity..i find it so hard to trust people nowadays..i think you can't really say u know a person, even after being with them for a long time. they may be nice to you( i said may be) just because they want something from you, for just wanna dig out your secrets..i don't know really..i don't know who is true and who's fake.i can't differentiate.. 所谓， 知人知面不知心。。 好伤心啊！！！wuwuwuwuwu....

its so difficult just being nice to other people. sometimes, people tend to misunderstood your good intentions, even when its just out of utmost care as a friend. if your a gal, and if your nice to another gal, thats fine~~ no probs. if your too nice to a guy, he might think that you're hitting on him. and thats whr all the problem begins. at least for gals, it ain't that bad. but for guys, lets c...if your too nice to a gal, she'll think your trying to pikat her, if she dun like you, she'll avoid u, and if she like u but u dun like her romantically, problem arises also. but the worst is still when a guy is too nice to another guy, he'll think your gay! ah well, its all normal response i guess..its sad tho, when your intentions are pure and just out of care, not affection. yet being misunderstood and being branded as a homosexual is the least of the problems LOL..making clear about your intentions is the way, but, is it really that easy? cakap senang, buat susah..haizz..true or not this statement? need some feedback :) so being nice to people is the key to making friends? i don't think so

i think i've crossed my limits..

these few days, i couldn't focus on my studies...no its not because i'm too obsessed with games..the truth is, mousehunt doesn't really take up alot of my time, all it needed was a single click every 15 minutes.. okay so maybe i spend some time lingering around the forums,but only for a short while..

i dunno why i feel so down these days...it all started about a week after i returned to manipal..homesick ain't the reason..laziness could be..but deep down inside, i know the reason why, i just refused to accept it...the cause of all this, the root of evil that sparked the beginning of me feeling like a mindless zombie with no goal in life..every morning i wake up for class, i feel just..empty..there isn't anything else for me to do except going for classes, skip lunch and then dinner at 5pm. there was really no reason for me to starve myself till the time range of 7 to 8 anymore.

all in all, i feel that my life here in manipal has just been suckish, right from the start..there really wasn't a day that i felt very happy during my time here..things are not the same as they were back home..grades are not up to scratch( i used to be such an excellent student..sighs) ,no mall to hang out, no car to drive, and most of all , no people to depend on. its a live or die situation. either u adapt, or u die. survival of the fittest. now i really doubt that i can actually feel secure, as whenever i thought that i was safe, all of a sudden, i realised only to be left all alone in the sea of darkness, left to struggle for my own survival. i wonder if i was indeed a faulty creation of nature, as i tend to repeat the same mistake all the time..oh yes and i paid dearly for it..
my teacher once said, if you chose to runaway from your problems, you'll be running away throughout your life. when i was young, i laughed then..i thought to myself, what kind of moron would run away from their problems? just face it and have it solved already! boy was i a naive little child back then..now, i realised its more easily said than done.. i was a contradictor of my own words..i'm running from my problems, with the fear of facing the negative consequences that may arise. instead of actually facing it and have it done once and for all, i chose to ignore..just to protect myself from getting hurt...
sometimes, i feel like i worry too much..everything that i do, i worry that i might hurt someone, or pissed someone off indirectly or directly. i hate the fact that i'm this way, i'm screwing up my social relations overtime...like now..i feel like shit...my eyes have been blinded by my manipulative limbic system..i only saw what i wanted to believe, ignoring all the good that came with it..
self isolation has became a very bad habit of mine..i guess its a side effect when i feel unwanted or not welcomed..i had a really bad experience back then on last year's christmas eve, where i was all alone, while the others were having loads of fun. i think, eversince that day, i changed then. i briefly sank into depression mode after that.. one question, how would you feel when your friends called you out for dinner, where all of them all already at the venue,made their order, even though they live in the same hostel as you, while you were the only one of the group still in your room? frankly, i'd feel really left out. it'll make me feel like i'm not part of them anymore, i ain't in the game,i'm just a cheerleader, or a spare player.
get what i mean?
now, i simply do not know how i'm going to live through the next few months till the semester break without feeling so down..my condition has gotten far worse than i could possibly imagine..not paying attention in class, day dreaming, emoing...under achievements...gahhh i wish i could just turn back time and fix things..or even better, turn if back to the point where i did not apply for entry into manipal september intake. its been just a whole miserable time for me..just for me..all i can do at night is sleep and emo...i interact more with my laptop and books than with real human beings..i spend so much time in my room..simply because, i feel so lonely..i feel deserted...how i wish things were like they used to be, carefree and simple. life is so vague and meaningless to me rite now..

gambateh lar...

time flies...its gonna be april soon..which means a step closer to the university exams, and even closer to blocks. from tuesday to friday, we won't be having afternoon classes, which means lesser learning opportunities, and more rushing at the end of the block..omg....ish ish this is not good for lazy me lol..now that i have the whole afternoon for the nxt few days free, only the higher intelligence knows what i might do during all these free time. wah sleep whole day maybe? kekekezzz
k la this is just a lil update. not much to say this time. this saturday might be a holiday, depending on the votes of the other batches. i think my batch has already voted for no classes on saturday :) hehehe i hate classes on saturday. until now still not used to ti yet.. bwahaha spoilt by malaysian education system, what to do? hehehe


thats it for now =P