of sugar and chemistry~

Failure

2012-02-10T03:49:00.000-08:00

Nobody likes failure. Failure is accompanied by so many negative things varying from loss of self esteem to discrimination by other.Acceptance of failure varies from person to person, some take it easy and learn from it while some take it extremely hard and not being able to pull through with it. And i'm the latter. The outcome wasn't what i expected to get at all. For a person who never tasted failure before, the news was an extremely devastating blow to my emotions at that very moment. Disruption to my mood wasn't exactly subtle.. i know people around me knows something was wrong.. but at that time, i couldn't care less. at this time, what i really need is some time alone to get through all this shit. but i know i have no one to blame except my self.. if you don't water the tree, don't expect to get the fruits. true story. even if it does not really affect what happens next, the fact that i have achieved this failure will be a scar on my self esteem for quite a period of time.

是时候反醒反醒一下了...

2011-12-20T08:20:00.000-08:00

this strucked me rather unexpectedly.. i'm beginning to doubt my own credibility and personality.. i've always thought that i'm alright the way i am, then suddenly everything doesn't feel right.. i feel that i'm rather vague and fake actually.. or maybe my definition of fake ain't what like what most others perceive to be, i wish i was a little more emphatic and less self centered. i wonder why can't i be nice to people that i don't like.. there was a post on facebook that says: being nice to people you don't like is not being fake, it's called growing up. i can get the point of the avoiding conflict thingy, but wouldn't avoiding the person u don't like means the same? i mean, no contact, hence no conflict rite? Haih, in the end what lies at the back of my mind is: i wish i was less juvenile than this.. Perhaps, i should start learning to accept how to self compromise and tolerate other peoples's flaws, rather than making them sound so severe and unacceptable.. no i wasn't like that before, guess manipal changed me =S So basically i hope that i can be nice to people who i don't like.. some of you might call it as being fake, even i think so, but i guess its time to stop being such a kiddo and grow up..so now the question is, how to start?

FURY

2011-11-27T01:53:00.001-08:00

I feel like I want to punch you in the face each time you open your mouth.

oh hello thr~

2011-08-22T03:09:00.000-07:00

its been a solid 2 months since i last touched this personal blog of mine. i guess the block 3, 4 and uni exam rly did take up alot of my time, or it may be just that i don't have any emo stuffs to share as of lately. which is a good thing :D haha emo period pass edi la, still left 3 more practical papers to go and its home for me XD hmm still worry about the glove issue :( imma gonna screw up during the osce so badly if i dun practice wearing it. lame i know, but thats d way it is >.< who knew one pair of gloves could cause so much worries?
hmmm..another thing.. these few days i began having one of those random thoughts running about in my head. spontaneous indeed. well, its about LOVE. i must say that among my current peers, i am in the minority group. yes, one without gf. frankly, i never rly gave it a thought in the past. well, one of those rare occasions yes, but it certainly doesn't last long enough to occupy part of my brain's gyri permanently. but then there was a time, when a new couple emerged in my class, i started to feel the pressure. peer pressure. that time, i must admit that i was quite "emo" about it. its like, when you were young in your teenage days, when everyone has a handphone , and you yourself constantly bugs your parents so that u can be like the rest. 别人有的，我也要有.. sadly that was the feeling i was experiencing. stress ar stress ar.. 天啊，为什么我会有这样的想法？is it a sign that i'm finally growing up? finally have the heart to find a girlfriend? as time passes, i realized that this is not the case. the feeling then was the childish thought of i must have what other people are also having. then it crossed my mind.. of what mum used to tell me. 如果你没有那种成熟感，就不要学别人谈恋爱，否则将来你痛苦，对方也痛苦。。actually, what mum said is very true. 爱情不是一种潮流，它是一种两人之间的承诺.. it is certainly not something to be taken lightly and treated as a game. i understand that now. i will not dread over my peers having their significant other at my current age, because it's not that i can't find her, it's just that i chose to wait till the time is right when i have the proper level of maturity to be ready for a serious relationship. till then, i will be single, and live life to the fullest and cherish the privileges of being single , and available. ahaha!until then, i hope that "she" will wait for me :) so guys, don't ever dread over this sort fo matter, he/she will appear before you when the time is right, and also never jump into a relationship if u don't feel ready for one, or else you're in for alot of trouble . ciaoz ppl. tk care

=_______=

2011-06-04T07:26:00.001-07:00

today i'm not doing anything...and apparent 2mr is gonna turn out that way too.. haih..bo bian la..

i'm ok again :D

2011-05-16T13:32:00.001-07:00

up and running and good to go~ blocks got postponed for another 2 days, hell yeah! more time to study~ nah, more like procrastinate. ah well, the most important things is, no more depression. credits to mr. tan wei lun for brainwashing me. gamsia gamsia~~ block 3, 我来也~~

some ..well, thoughts~

2011-05-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

Lately i've been having some really sudden mood swings.. maybe it's due to pre exam stress or it could be something else. this random thought just crossed my mind today.. i'm surprised how come i never gave it any considerations in the past, and y i have to do it now.. of all times, with exams and all, now? bad timing, really really bad.
i think that i am too simple minded. i can be so naive, and be so trustworthy towards someone that i just "recently" met. i guess i have no right to complain about ppl calling me a little kid, because i think exactly like one. its like, u give me a candy, and i'll think of u as the best person in the world.. get what i mean? i also realized that i tend to give more than what i receive most of the time.. i don't know whether its the way it should work but, i was taught to never expect anything in return for a deed or favor done . but recently i started wondering, for all the things i do for others, even if i don't mind not receiving much compared to what i gave or any at all, do the ppl rly appreciate what you do for them? many people only come to you if they need something for you, its human nature. and this triggered an even deeper question in me that keeps on whispering in my ears into my auditory center.. that is " how many of the many people in your life that you have will stand by you when you really needed a helping hand ? when you're really in need? when you're in trouble? " i couldn't give myself a definite answer. i stumbled then.. a moment there, i was silent and blank.
simply because things happening around me just isn't convincing at all. i don't want to mention any of these sensitive issues over here but yea, simply just ...not convincing at all, not even close.. so many things happened in just one short week.. and it takes just that few things to alter my perceptions towards my social life, which for once in my uni life, i thought of to be the best of both worlds. Reality is a bitch, and she bites hard. its her way of telling me to grow up and life isn't like what you read in fairytales, not all good beginnings lead to happy endings. i still have much much more to learn tho.. at the tender age of 20, i don't think i'm even close to understanding the mysterious workings of life. still have so much to learn.. being optimistic though. even when it seems more like trying to avoid the ugly truth then being the former.. oh and i seriously think i need to stop being so picky, or i'll never find a gf~ LOL

its not about who's right or who's wrong

2011-04-21T12:23:00.000-07:00

because the problem can never be solved as long as there is an argument over who's fault it is. the misunderstanding will exacerbate and lead to even more vigorous conflict. it would be easier if we could just admit that we both made a mistake and let it settle once and for all. but then, i don't care anymore. or maybe, i never did..

the evil side of me

2011-04-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

everyone has a dark side, and i am no different. constantly am falling towards and losing against this arch nemesis of mine, which just manage to screw up my life when everything was in order. leave me alone can? :((

something wrong with you ar?

2011-04-18T06:48:00.000-07:00

well tho there haven't be anyone who asked me this question for a long long time ever since i bid farewell to my unnaturally bizarre emo self.. i'm come to realize certain things about myself. how should i say this.. i am pretty much disgusted of certain negative traits that i sadly possess, especially my tendencies to bear grudge against certain people that somehow just plain annoys me with everything they do. i guess that i owe it all to my horoscope..the thing really does describes me well.. sigh.. but then, it's not to say that i bear grudges to an extreme level like those in the movies..i can forgive, but i won't forget.. and if that particular person does something that crossed my path, boom! apocalypse...i can bring out all the not so nice things they did to me, and can feel myself taken over by anger.. i know its not good , but i just can't help myself.. its like, once someone annoys me, i will never forget that 1st time what he/she did to me. and if i dislike a person, i tend to focus only at their bad points.. it's like what miss tan said before, focusing too much on that black dot on piece of white paper.. mum always taught me to forgive and forget, but sadly i still can't do it. however, its really difficult not getting annoyed by those people, for one does not think before it speaks. utter foolish and idiotic sad to say.. but all in all, i'll try not to judge books by their covers so much.. and try my best to forgive and forget.. it will be a more peaceful world, for me and for them. =) rite back to my sdl~~~ ooooooooooooo microbe...

bored

2011-04-14T03:55:00.000-07:00

wish i had other stuffs to do besides studying and sleeping :(

March : an awesome month! =)

2011-03-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

there is a lot for me to praise and be happy about march, of north indian trip and lots of delicious foods being some of the many things thats worth to mention. the north indian trip has really been an eye opener: i've been to 5 places that i've never been to before, with one of them being the prestigious taj mahal , one of the 7 wonders of the modern world~ at least now i'm tied with my family, them having visited the great wall of china XD but the real deal from the trip is, i got to know the group of people that i went on the trip with better . an interesting bunch i must say. wouldn't have been so fun without them =) THE NEXT THING, food! yes food! yummy, scrumptious , expensive, seductive, fattening yet irrrestible food! am utterly spoilt by my parents and sister~ each day they brought me to my restaurant of choice and i gorged down food in a single meal that is nearly comparable to how much i eat for 3 days in manipal. can feel the tummy building up but nahh, i'll lose em eventually. so yeah, getting fat and loving it XD went to medan for a week to visit my dad. i must say i am over prejudice towards the country in the past. i always thought of it to be boring and uninteresting. i guess its coz of my dads previous home in the estate so far away from civilization ~ i don't really know how i managed to live though my months of holidays there during my high sch days. urghh as far i can i tell i'd probably bang the wall in a few days time >< anyway, a week of family time together. priceless~ hope dad takes good care fo himself there . sucks being alone in a faraway land. i know that feeling :(
blocks results are out~ am not happy nor sad with what i got, but with the amount of effort put in, i must say that i have actually got much more than i deserved. hence, grateful :) block 2 has been horrible nonetheless. generally all of us flunked it. this sem there is the horrid unis, ohh the horror. anyway, it will turn out for the better =) i'm sure of it XD but most importantly, i am who i used to be. goodbye to my old emo self, i won't miss you ~ XOXO ciaoz ppl

block 2 finish~~

2011-02-23T01:22:00.000-08:00

finally it ends. this is one hell of a bulky block. man totally felt like i was studying for unis .. the tension, the pressure.. arghh.. but its ok..its all over now..we'll see how block 2 results will turn out to be.. but i'm quite positive that this blocks achievement will be like no other. reverting back to my form 5 and A level self, which is entirely a good sign. =) but for now, north india here i come! XD

annoyed and frustrated

2011-02-09T22:41:00.000-08:00

today is the last day of lectures. well, technically, we do still have practicals tho. my batch am supposed to go for the pathology practicals 1st, but somehow, well, shit happens. batch A got to go 1st, AGAIN. yes 2 consecutive weeks. pls la, be fair ok? we went for microbe 1st ytd coz u guys went 1st last week. and now you're using the fact that we went for microbe 1st as an excuse ? no fair. to be honest, i'm stated to rly feel bu shuang.

hate and anger?

2011-02-01T02:54:00.000-08:00

i must admit that i'm being harassed by these 2 outcasts for the past week. been so long since i had the heart to hate and be angry about something. i guess i am a human being after all. looking up google to find ways of how to manage my emotions. hatred and anger, begone!

how i wish..

2011-01-18T12:18:00.000-08:00

that i was more independent. even till now, i'm still very dependent on others for comfort, certain task and to relieve myself off that unpleasant imaginary load felt on my heart manifested by my treacherous limbic system. i dunno but mood swings and depression seems to always have some ties with me, no matter how long i stayed cool away from it. it's bound to come back to haunt me, sooner or later. obviously i'm worry and troubled by this. when i start getting emotional, i lose interest in everything, becoming a zombie that breathes. heck i didn't even wana touch my pharmac sdl just now. but at least the 知死心态 is still strong enough to save me from temptation to flunk my test =X hope all goes well later for the test, tho highly unlikely. ahh screw it

the same problem over and over again. after i did everything that i can, i don't really get the reason that why the fuck did i even give a damn. i'm really sick of giving and not receiving. i'm not mother theresa. i'm not holy to the point that i can disregard my feelings and pretend that they don't matter. i'm human too. i have feelings too. i can get hurt too. maybe you should stop being so self- centered and show some empathy for once in your life. i guess its true that its easy for hurt to revert to hate .guess patience and disappointment has it's limits after all. i was wondering at what level mine was. well not too shabby.cool eh? am proud of myself :) ( the fact that my patience level has improved drastically, and how well i can cope with disappointment XD) .
i felt sorry for myself. the fact that i've been so mean to my own feelings , putting myself through so many mood swings, depression and hard times. and its really all avoidable. i can prevent them from happening again , but there is a voice that keeps telling me that it'll be worth the effort in the end. rite now, i don't think so. fact : it is wrong decision to want to spend a weekly 30 mins bonding time with my bro. yeh who knew that asking ur bro out would be even more difficult than asking a gal out =X . and gosh if this ever happen between me and my future gf, i'd be dead. god bless me for the test later. bye~

dunno leh...

2011-01-15T09:45:00.000-08:00

i'm a bit worry.. i'm feeling depressed and insecure all of a sudden. i feel alone and deserted. worthless and insignificant. why is that? not again....zzzz

happy new year people! :D

2010-12-31T11:55:00.000-08:00

yes its 2011!
May this new year bring many opportunities to your way,
to explore every joy of life
&
may your resolutions for the days ahead stay firm,
turning all your dreams into reality
and all your efforts into great achievements.
Happy New Year to you & your loved ones.

yes yes all the wishy washies here and there. well, yes, its new year! a new start, a new beginning. well , i gotta say that apart from all the fun i had with elisha, keen wah and a few others, something from the past came back to haunt me. 3 ppl asked me the same question today. and the question was, do you rmb what we did on this very same day last year? when i recalled the past events and as the memories flashes through my mind, i couldn't help but just gave a blank stare . i felt my eyes were a bit wet that time, not sure if its coz of the dust or i'm just tired or anything. but deep down i know y. at the beginning, there was 9 of us, we were happy then. i must say that was one of the best memories i had in manipal. and look at us one year later. everything is different. in just a blink of an eye. everything changed. i know that things will and and go eventually. but i just didn't think it could happen so rapidly. i'm amazed. truly amazed. and yes i'm feeing a little nostalgic. but i believe its time for the feeling to die. even so, i will nv ever forget what 9 of us did together, and the happy times we spent together, despite all the ups and downs , and which path we chose to go on. happy new year peeps. hope that you're life won't turn out to be just as sucky as mine in this sense. ciaoz

sick :(

2010-11-09T04:36:00.000-08:00

finally the microorganisms got the better of me. i'm now an infectious individual who is capable of spreading flu, cough and fever~ ohh such irony, am always sick during the time periods that i'm not supposed to. now i dunno how i am gonna study for my sdl , given my current condition. imma gonna die :( god pls bless me so that i get better soon

i'llllllllllllllllllllll never make the sameeeeeeeeeee, mistake ever againnnn

2010-11-01T12:51:00.000-07:00

i must be more independent, i must be more of a daredevil, i must be brave, courageous or whatever you call it , so that i can take care of myself and not be dependent on others , if i ever have to leave home again for a far far away place,after the nxt few years.

all the little things matter, and they are what that matters most

2010-10-30T05:22:00.000-07:00

its so easy to break one's heart, you don't need to cause any physical injury, just a little ignorance is more than enough~ at least it stands still like the statue of liberty in my case.. more often than not, even an instant msg to show that you care if more than enough to make someone happy , but sadly , not everyone feels that way. i wonder how many kilojoules does it takes to type a short msg? i just ..hate being ignored :(

we all have a choice..

2010-10-22T12:38:00.000-07:00

a choice to decide how we live our life, a choice to decide the dos and don'ts , a choice of choosing which individuals to be part of our journey, along this vague and lonely road filled with many possibilities and uncertainties.. for most of us, we have a choice to avoid the many unnecessary worries and emotional plague, be it romantically or just between friends. so straight to the point..we have a choice to end our problems, but we're just too stubborn to let go. sometimes, trusting our hearts is more important than relying on the mind~ sometimes the right thing to do is more important than the thing that you want to do. they say, a fool learn from his own mistakes, while a wise man learns from other peoples mistakes. unfortunately , i never seem to learn. i'm neither to begin with. ohh i long for the day when i can finally say that i don't care anymore..being in manipal is so sickening..sickening to the point that i don't think i want to bother with the ppl in my batch anymore (well most people ) >.< an incident happened yesterday, and i'm pretty much pissed about it.. their act were just so immature, and yet they think its fun. noobs... just a bunch of amateur , childish noobs. you people can't even give me the correct definition of fun, on what grounds do you justify that what you guys did was funny? funny is one thing, but whether its necessary or not, or whether it may cause some serious consequences , should be taken into account.. just because you like it and you think its funny, doesn't mean you have to do it.. please do consider the feelings of others. seeing the way you people are, i couldn't help but feel sorry for you.. you may be good in your studies, yes in fact very good, but attitude wise , i would rather give my respects to a kind hearted beggar than giving it to you people. course you ppl just don't deserve it. i hate the sight of the excitement and thrill in your eyes and facial expression, the minute you hear that there is a "drama" going on..and thats not all..why make fun and jokes out of other people's misery? how would you feel if the same was done to you? yes i know you feel terrible.. in fact, i know how sad you can get when the same is done to you..but did you consider the feelings of others when you were happily criticizing and scrutinizing them behind their backs? no~ you never do that.. selfish , just selfish . of all the people that i'm referring to, i don't rly give a damn about them , all except one. but given the current situation, i don't think i can do anything anymore.. i don't want the said person to continue being like this. what would people think of you when they see you the way you are? and sad to say, you're such a hypocrite.. you used to tell me that knowing too much is not good, and yet , i always see that you seek out the gossips and secrets of others. i told myself before, doesn't matter what happens, we'll always be ,at least, friends.. but that sparkle in your eyes and hapiness i observed when you hear that thr is a new drama going on in our batch, that really put me off.. i want you to be a person that is respected by others, or someone that is even worth respecting.. all because, i care about you a lot ..because that what friends genuinely want for each other. but like i said previously, given to whom you are close with, i'm fighting a losing battle, so its time i say, i give up. it never rly was supposed to be a concern of mine anyway . or maybe i just couldn't do it anymore..i think i have repaid all the debts that i owe you before.. its time that i stop feeling that i need to lend a helping hand whenever when you are in need. the way things are rite now, all i can say is i wish you all the best in life~ may your love blossom and work out this time. as long as you're happy, i have no reason not to feel the same for you. however, my instincts tell me that, you and i will be just normal friends at the end of this 5 years course.i want to apologize for 3 things.. i'm sorry , i dunno if i can be your little brother anymore. i cannot sustain the brotherly love i have for you as its just unidirectional. love between siblings and friends require mutual effort to sustain it, and we don't have that. i'm sorry, the nxt time if you happen to have a downfall, i probably won't be there to help you through it. and again i'm sorry, i most probably won't be one of those lucky people to accompany you along this unpredictable journey in life..but just my advice to you, not like you are ever gonna c this post , but do appreciate the other people that are significant in your life. romantic love is crucial , but not to the extend that other forms of love when compared to it , is negligible. if you can ignore your said lifelong friends so many times, what is thr to say for myself? always remember though , apart from your soulmate, there will always be family and true friends out there who cares about you , sometimes even without you knowing it. hold on to them, before you lose them ,as there is no such thing as a 2nd chance.

unproductive :(

2010-10-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

been watching lie to me all day long~ nt much studying done. i say, laziness and me, we're buddies =)

things change~

2010-10-15T23:17:00.000-07:00

1 year ago, everything was fresh. new faces, new people, new place. currently, from what i have observed, somethings are really different from what they used to be. people in a group dissipating, new groups forming, ugly sides revealed. ahh lifes cruel~ . maybe i'm just being too sensitive, but i doubt thats the case.

ish~

2010-10-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

you know, if you don't say anything, nobody will call u dumb~ so why do you always have to open your big mouth that oozes irritating words that always manages to puncture my tympanic membrane? shit u dude, seriously ~

=(

2010-10-04T08:10:00.000-07:00

对你好，却没有感受到那种被珍惜的感觉。。只有一个字形容心情, 囧

books arrived! :D

2010-10-01T22:18:00.000-07:00

can start studying~ lol. i say say only la. i won't start just yet. hehehe. am supposed to procrastinate less this year, hope i can live up to my own expectations. T.T

jealousy?

2010-09-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

have anyone of you ever experienced this, when your older brother or sister has a gf or bf, and hence has little to no time to fit you into their now busy schedule of lovey dovey sweet sweet love? well i did. i remember the time when i was 13, i was kinda unhappy when my sister came back from india with another guy by her side. somehow, i had this rly annoying yet strange feeling felt on the heart, as if i'm about to lose something important to me, or something catastrophic is going to happen. i wasn't used to the changes that have taken place, given that my sister was , well u can say always thr for me to disturb and annoy, 24/7. i didn't rly liked her bf at 1st when i was younger. to me, he was the evil man that has come to take my sister away from me ( ahh kids mentality, what to do? xD) i've even talked bad about him at times, out of what you can simply call, jealousy ~ @.@ my sister literally changed a lot from what she used to be after she started indulging herself in the world of romance. nt her problem rly, just the narrow mindset of a jealous lil brother. but i guess its normal ~ anyway, things are fine now that i'm older. eventually, even our beloved brother and sister will have their own lives one day, their own family and their own story to tell. hahahaahha but ironically, i'm kinda facing this same old problem again. not to a really great extend, just a pretty mild one.or maybe our bond is not even worth 30 mins of yum cha time together :( oh well my sister wen mei should know what this is about LOL hahahha xD

and so i'm officially a 2nd year medical student

2010-08-31T07:53:00.000-07:00

along with approximately 97% of my batchmates. well i know i should be happy, but i just couldn't find a reason to be so for now..i know that my hapiness could mean someone else's sadness, as in i'm happy for one thing, and the other is sad for the same thing..i just felt bad.. real bad.. i've nv felt this way before..maybe before this i was heartless..or maybe just ignorant.. but yea, my feelings are just gloomy rite now.

i lost~

2010-08-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

kalah teruk~ lost to my ego. i blew it again. epic fail. and this time, there won't be a second chance anymore. not anymore for sure

朕今天心情很好

2010-08-19T02:50:00.000-07:00

hehehe...yups my mood is good today~ coz of 1 small thing lar. yup, if you know me well enough, you should be able to guess what it is la =P chin wen mei oh chin wen mei, you should know d reason y lar XD

theory papers habis~

2010-08-18T02:29:00.000-07:00

yups, they're done allright. now its only the practical papers that remain. frankly , i'm kinda scared of the physiology and anatomy spotters. given that the examiners have a very bad habit of giving the last batch a very hard time. i'm worry. :( i guess i need to go to the dissection lab and do some spotting. can't take chances, not gonna take chances . coz i'm freaking scared i'll fail. sigh~

a lot has happened within these 6 months of my life~

2010-08-16T18:30:00.001-07:00

there are those that put those zygomaticus major and minor to work, there are also those that activates the levator labii superioris. sad to say tho, the latter is way more than the former =S i'll have a review of my 1st year in manipal, from the day i left the comfort of home , my sanctuary , for teeny tiny eenie meenie oh so boring manipal and to the end of my 1st year MBBS. however, due to current examination being the culprit, i won't be doing a review any time soon. proly will do it when i'm back in malaysia, or one of those days after i finish my exams and have nothing to do, but i doubt so~ (:
having biochemistry 2mr, and the 3 practicals nxt week and voila, finish . wish me luck guys

i'm so scared that i'm gonna cry

2010-08-13T14:47:00.000-07:00

yes no kidding. i'm truly worried and fearing the anatomy paper. i don't wanna fail, i really don't. i can never forgive myself if i did. i hope that Buddha will bless me with a stable mind and heart to face and pass the exam successfully. namoamitabha . i truly do hope so~ another 5 hours to go...charge for victory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10 days!

2010-08-03T15:13:00.000-07:00

10 more days to uni exam! omg i'm so scared..a lot more to read. make full use of these 10 days is all i can do now ~

random fact~

2010-07-31T05:07:00.001-07:00

Don't worry about what people say behind your back, they are the people who are finding faults in your life instead of fixing the faults in their own life.

rushing for time~

2010-07-30T11:45:00.000-07:00

time waits for no one..this is true. its been a week since blocks, and now thr is just 2 weeks left before we are to face the uni exams. hope that buddha will bless me and give me mental stability during the exams, especially during anatomy. all in all, hope that i will survive and move on successfully into year 2. =)

today exam results out~

2010-07-28T09:11:00.000-07:00

hmmmm...as expected anatomy was terrible. physio was the middle of the 3 and distinction for biochemistry. now i can just leave my biochem aside and focus on anatomy. but the good news is, all pass la :) aiyer, but i still kenot accept, the subject which i studied the most for i did the worst, and the one i read finish in one day i got the highest that i have ever got for it out of the 4 blocks. wtf?

sigh...mental distraction at the library~ :(

2010-07-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

simply because i saw someone i didn't want to see...y is manipal so small? today accomplished so little. sigh...at this rate my unis is so gonna be another case of wtf

unproductive :(

2010-07-25T13:35:00.001-07:00

today i failed to finish block 2 biochem..sigh..have to work harder. gambateh ~

if only i knew how to appreciate the things i have before i lost them :(

2010-07-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

i'm really never good at appreciating what i have in front of me. i tend to seek more of the things that i want instead of learning to love and care for the nice people around me. why am i like this ? honestly this isn't the 1st time. and every time i failed miserably. its certainly a very bad habit to have. can't seem to change it. always taking people for granted. and when problems arise all i do is whine whine whine. sigh, when will i ever learn? is there anything that i can do to gain back what i have lost? if i wasn't so ego, so face- conscious, i would have had it back. but no, i flunked it. i was selfish, demanding , obsolete and on top of all, foolish. and so when i say to others around me that i don't care about "them" anymore, deep down inside, i;ll always do. no one needs to know the truth, since it certainly won't change a single thing. coz its just too little too late~

random~

2010-07-23T10:38:00.000-07:00

sometimes its not a matter of want or don't want, but a matter of can or cannot. in my case, its not that i don't want to, its simply because i can't ~

to go or not to go

2010-07-23T02:51:00.000-07:00

i'm debating with myself, to go or not to go to mangalore 2mr. i wanna have fun after the blocks, but the thought of unis in 3 weeks time made me think twice. on the otherhand, i duno if anyone else wanna go also. well i more or less can guess who went today >< hmmmmm, so...to go or not to go...

mampus

2010-07-20T02:11:00.000-07:00

anatomy was a bitch :( but i think i will pass (: but man that paper is really horrible >< not to mention mind block during the tensed state. haih...history repeats itself again..wtf

anatomy spotters~

2010-07-16T05:45:00.000-07:00

everytime after an anatomy spotters exam, depression follows. at least for me it is, knowing that anatomy is my weakest subject. made some silly mistakes that i render unforgivable, and a lil error here and there , hmmmmmm....no need to say anything dy..pass is one thing, i'm not concerned about that, but being able to do better but losing and failing to do so is just hard on the limbic system :( sigh~ on the bright side, it is the last spotters for the blocks... last one is d unis , and voila, freedom (: i shall await that day, eagerly..

i'm so freaking blur =.="

2010-07-15T01:20:00.000-07:00

guess what, my "lost" pencilcase has been in my bag all these while..i forgot that there is a special compartment somewhere tat is not very obvious of course. bah humbug! :(

denial~ :(

2010-07-11T06:31:00.000-07:00

sometimes i don't know why i even bothered asking, since i already know no matter how many times i try, the answer will always be a "NO" . crying over spilled milk is what i do, and hell am i good at it.

scorpio ~ :D

2010-07-09T05:58:00.001-07:00

The Scorpio personality is a sign that has been studied for years. The persistence of these studies have concluded on several traits the Scorpio possesses. Among these traits are several positive qualities, which make this sign a powerful one in the world of astrology.

The Scorpio, which is considered the water sign is symbolized by the scorpion. Scorpio’s are strong, deep, mysterious, complex, and also secretive. They love to unveil the mysteries of life, and are usually very emotional, often keeping their own deepest mysteries and trials to themselves. Their emotions are often hidden or disguised by strength and motivation.

One trait of the Scorpio personality is that of an achiever, striving to succeed, and do well in life. They are often an influence of leadership and play important roles in the lives of people surrounding them. Scorpio’s are determined and often very passionate, causing them to be exciting and magnetic to other people. In other words, they are extremely likeable for their intuitive traits.

Scorpios are considered the most profound and intense characters in the zodiac. They may appear to calm and self controlling, but in reality they are actually very emotional individuals. The Scorpio personality is unlike any astrologically designed persona. Although it is extremely powerful, without the persistency of their own self discipline, they are more susceptible to pain. And when there is pain present, Scorpio’s feel it like no other because they are so deep.

Scorpio’s are often very powerful in the lives of the people they know and love. Their traits can be used in extremely positive manors or the exact opposite. Their strong emotionalism can often be responsible for acts that are only beneficial to themselves. In other words, at times the Scorpio personality may show severe signs of selfishness. The immense intensity that is shared by Scorpio’s can either be a good thing or a flaw, but can definitely prove to be an asset when times are hard.

Often showing an extreme sense of calmness and stability, Scorpio’s are infamous for holding their emotions within. Thus, they appear calm and stable, but could really be ready to burst at any moment. This trait can often lead to extreme actions and impulsiveness, which might be categorized as a negative trait.

Scorpio’s are considered to be gifted. Their high striving minds are often incapable of accepting failure. Thus, Scorpio’s are often more likely to succeed in their goals and dreams. There persistence in achieving their goals is considered to be one of the many positive traits of the Scorpio personality. They are often intrigued with finding a higher, deeper meaning for life.

Scorpio’s prove to be excellent friends. They are loyal and committed to their companions and are often vital roles in the lives of the one’s who love them. They are also extremely passionate lovers, but tend to be more complicated in the world of romance. The typical Scorpio believes in commitment and even marriage, usually only involving themselves with one partner at a time. Although, the Scorpio personality is one that will cherish the true aspects of love, they are more susceptible to receiving a broken heart because of their emotional traits.

olala~ gotta say that this is pretty true for me :) though i don't like the last sentence but oh well (:

random

2010-07-05T19:19:00.001-07:00

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know?
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone....

one practical down, 2 more to go~

2010-07-05T04:42:00.000-07:00

physiology pracs is over and out! :D now left the anatomy spotters and biochemistry OSPE. hehehe..knowing me, biochem poses no threat..but anatomy..well duh, i'm as good as dead. X( physiology overall was ok, except for the performance station. felt so stupid when performing it and i was just blurr when mr bharati and jay prakesh asked me some weird questions..well..its over for now..theres histology spotters on wednesday ,and yeh, haven't started >< today i'll read anatomy, and 2mr i'll do histology. will i be able to make it? hope so :)

morning! :D

2010-07-03T23:53:00.000-07:00

today i woke up early, yes, very early. 2 am :D hehe oh well, i'm officially a nocturnal individual now. only active at night, unlike most people. today juz gonna rush my physio prac and speed read through everything in the book. its a do or die situation ><
oh yeh, yesterday was the supremo ball. of coz, i didn't go la. those kind of events never really suited me in the 1st place, all the formal wear, dress code, bleh~ leceh sangat. besides, i dun have coat of anything also, if go oso will wear casualso u know =D dun wanna be the black sheep of the ball. hehehe but after looking through those pics, a bit regret didn't go la. tho its not a big deal, at least if i went oso can experience something new, since i never attended any before. huhuhuhu..but then, i'm glad oso tat i didn't go, coz there are some ppl tat i don't wanna meet went for it too. so i guess its a blessing in the end LOL

ks, enuf crap. ciaoz

tension...oh exams! the horror, the horror!

2010-07-02T04:42:00.000-07:00

2 weeks more to the bladdy blocks , and yet my "beloved" mmmc still is having lectures on nxt week. pls la, i nid time to revise all the facts and knowledge u ppl from the 3 departments trying so hard to push into this big head of mine. too bad it only looks big, inside capacity very small, the rest all fibrous tissues X( HAHAHAHA..what am i crapping about here ? (:
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee i'm nervous! i haven't really started serious revision yet. and yes i am very very scared :( ooooo helpless to be exact. oh gods from all cultures and continents, bless me with your powers. kill this plague named laziness( indolence sounds nicer, classy eh?) and bestow me with the strength to conquer the uni exams. namoamitabha, hallelujah, alhamdullilah , tolonggggggggggggggggggg >< kays thats enuf for today. i'll shut up now (:

i give up =)

2010-06-25T11:09:00.000-07:00

i guess its too late. just too late, and too difficult to maintain. it is time to accept and trust my sixth sense. every person comes into our lives for a reason, and i guess you've served yours, and its time for us to go our separate ways. i can't say that time heals a broken heart, but time can make it better as it shifts. certain things are also better left unsaid, even if its the rite thing to do. and so, i just want you to know, 你曾经有过一个很在乎你的朋友.this chapters done, and the story goes on =) but before all this, there is one last thing i wanna do for you before it all ends. i wish you all the best in life~ cheers

hectic week

2010-06-24T13:32:00.000-07:00

this week has been extremely hectic. had pbl presentation and the dreaded class test. on the bright side, both all done now. pbl presentation wasn't so bad. i guess i did ok. but anatomy class test, knowing me, u know la. i don't even need to check oso i know whats d outcome. but seriously, this test rly had a great impact on me. i realised that there was so many things that i didn't study for block 4. well i didn't rly studied for certain parts coz i didn't know those were included as well..could have done better if i did yeh? well, one can never tell

outrageous!

2010-06-22T10:46:00.000-07:00

huhuhuhu...and so i went to dissection class today, listen to mr . VK talk talk talk, then suddenly i kena zha dao.. there is a test..anatomy test this thursday! omg! wtf! i forgot! and i have pbl to read up.. dipersiasuikan lah

happy fathers day

2010-06-20T09:19:00.000-07:00

happy fathers day to my papa, the man who gave me life, the man who supported me for the past 19 years till this very day, the man who loves me unconditionally and the man who works like hell just to support me financially in this expensive course i'm taking. even though i can never tell u how much u mean to me, or how much i love you, i just want you to know that deep down inside, you're the best father one can ever hope for. and i am proud and honored for being your son. =) thank you papa, for everything that you've done for me.

i miss the city life :(

2010-06-20T05:56:00.000-07:00

when i was back in malaysia, thr was 24 hours availability of mcdonalds. here in manipal, no sight of any, and i doubt all of them knows what the heck is mcdonalds. =.=
back home, i have a car. here, i have nothing. only auto. here, i got curfew, back home, i have freedom. sigh, boredom is getting the better of me

great song! :D

2010-06-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

look up google and search for the one sung by sam tsui and nick pitera. those 2 guys are damn good wei :D

blurr :(

2010-06-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

CNS is draining my life force. have never been so blur b4 in my life =( sigh..study!

memories

2010-06-15T09:48:00.000-07:00

In psychology, memory is an organism's ability to store, retain, and recall information. or in a more general manner, memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. or more poetically, memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things. yeh the human brain and heart, u can never tell whats going on with these two. utterly impossible to read what exactly a person is feeling or thinking. speaking of memories, i had quite a lot of sweet memories when i took the time to analyse it, and so i did after my deep slumber from 6 to 10 pm :D but for now, its only that one , just that particular one that keeps on replaying in my mind. its like nah nah nah nah , everyday , like an ipod stuck on replay ~lol . so guys, treasure your memories, since its basically (or acidically if u like :D) what we all have left in the end of the day , as nothing is eternal :)

gah i really hate these random advertisement and tamil- speaking calls!

2010-06-11T01:02:00.000-07:00

while i was having my precious sleep, and dreaming one of the best dream ever( not saying what it is about =P) , and its not like i always have the chance to dream about something good.when i was about to reach the best part of the dream, this stupid indian tempe juz had to call and spoil it. ish~ gah! then i told him wrong number, he seems blurr. then i went back to slp. few seconds later, he called again. swt drop. no choice but to turn off my phone. my sweet dream..GG-ed because of him..haih. india rly needs to sort out its advertisement methods pronto.

clockapult of time...

2010-06-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

hahahahhaha in case any of you non- mh players are wondering, this is a trap in mh, apparently the most powerful shadow trap available, as well as the most insanely priced trap in the game. =S kay so this post is not about mh, so straight to the point.
instead of using it on the poor shadow mice of mousehunt, i'd actually like to try it on myself. time travel has always been on the mysterious side, nobody know it works , nor is it even possible. i'd like to believe its real tho. with time travel, i can travel back in time and fix past mistakes, or go to the future and see what its like. life would have been perfect then. oh and if the world really is gona end in the year 2012, i should really just quit the MBBS programme and enjoy life to the max before i go bye bye =)

i think i'm gonna be sick..

2010-06-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

forehead is kinda hot, body feels heaty, eyes are burning..arghh...what a time to show signs of fever. all i can do is drink more water n hope the temperature will come down. chill >< i dun wana masuk hospital :(

i guess it needs time

2010-06-07T00:42:00.000-07:00

hopefully thats the case. communicating through msn is no longer a problem, but face to face kind of convo, still....不太理想 :\ but ok lar, at least its improving. really shouldn't be too optimistic, but can't be too pessimistic either. just need to find time for a heart to heart talk, but when?

random

2010-06-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself..
By hurting you.

nothing to do wif me, just some lyrics that i find pretty meaningful. most of you should know which song its from (:

i'm lying to myself...

2010-06-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

i told myself that i can live with all the changes that come, beat down all the challenges that stand in my way. nothing matters more than my studies. yeh, these are what i used to tell myself. they have never failed me, not at least, till now. i want things to be like they were in the beginning , i've always hoped for it , even though i always denied that i can't live with it. my mind tells me something, but my heart says otherwise. they never click, and i dunno what i can do. despite the fact how strong and bold i act to be, deep down inside, i'm just a weak, emotional ,helpless kid , waiting for a miracle to happen, when my fairy tale will somehow materialise, and return the joy i once had, but lost.

do you know

2010-06-04T09:02:00.000-07:00

that feeling that makes your stomach sink,your heart beat so fast it could explode,your eyes wanting to shed tears but you hold them back with all your might?thats what I feel when I lost someone special but it felt like what I had to do :( no point hiding it anymore. he or she will never know

真没用

2010-06-04T05:04:00.000-07:00

不知不觉。。。我的眼泪就这样的留下来。。。我到底在执着什么？为什么我一直那么在乎？都已走上绝路了，为什么我还不放弃？唉，累了累了。。。鸡蛋糕 :(

感情有很多种

2010-06-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

这是 yoke fun 讲的。我觉得我对你的感情只是一个弟弟对哥哥的关怀罢了。就那么简单。时间久了，我学会看开很多东西。。也许两个之前要好的朋友缘分已绝，注定要各走各路。。不过，要放下一切，不是一件容易的事。需要很大的勇气和毅力，还有一段很长的时间。我现在也不去希望什么了，不去希望你会原谅或谅解，或者再次接受我们这段友情。你对我不理不采，都无所谓,因为这都是我一手造成的。是我的错，我没资格嫌弃。我现在能做和想做的就是做出补偿，以减轻我心里的内疚感。或许久了，我的心会慢慢的死去，也许，是一件好事。

happiness = reality - expectations

too little too late

2010-06-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

after reading jordan's status, i felt that my mistake was that i never really took the effort or action to show yew shiong how much i appreciate what he has done for me before. i wonder y is it so difficult to just say a thank you or a "i'm lucky to have you a friend" kinda thing. the cause? probably pride. sigh..should have done that. and the sulking continues...

the truth

2010-05-31T13:16:00.001-07:00

there were time i felt like quiting , there were times i felt like just running away from here. from this dread place called manipal. many pals kononnye.. my foot! ish~ okay enuf of being rude..
i seriously need a break la. really..i'm not joking. i need time to come to terms with my emotions, to clear my mind and to rearrange everything back into order..but, i juz don't have the time. my packed schedule of this ridiculous course i'm taking doesn't permit it. classes even on saturdays..i dunno how i even managed to put up with that for so long. if i knew, trust me, i wouldn't have chosen manipal. period. no holidays or more holidays when there should be, well call me a spoilt malaysian brat, i don't care. i want my holidays, i need my holidays! because without my holidays, i emo! waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa =(

长痛不如短痛

2010-05-31T10:32:00.000-07:00

sometimes, all i wanted u to say is " its over between us". at least 我会对你彻底的死心。dun wana hurt anymore..sigh

i'm happy :D

2010-05-30T07:44:00.000-07:00

its a really stupid reason. but it sure did mean a lot to me =) so who cares, thats it, i'm happy! wakaka

HAHHAHAAHAHAHAHA

2010-05-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

i feel so silly! hahahaha yup i'm laughing at myself :D ignore me pls

today....

2010-05-28T03:57:00.000-07:00

results came out!! >.< but then, i did ok la. pass anatomy, and distinction for physiology and biochemistry. hehe i'm kinda happy wif my biochem actually, for the fact that i rushed it juz within 1 day. tho ngam ngam distinction ony but..its still distinction la :D well at least there is finally something to be happy about. motivated for now :)

humans...

2010-05-27T12:41:00.000-07:00

In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make..

another fact that applies to most of us. and i'm no exception lol

from me to you~

2010-05-24T11:31:00.001-07:00

when i was lonely,sad and lost,
you were there to give me the companionship i so desperately needed,
since then,
we became better,closer friends.

i'll never forget the time spent with you,
you're so much fun to be with,
and you're such a good person,
i see you more like a brother than a friend.

being a boy,
expressing emotions was never my kinda thing,
it was difficult ,
to show even the slightest appreciation, and gratitude towards you.

but something happened in the midst of temporal shift,
i changed,
since then things were different,
and i doubt it'll ever be the same again.

i never knew how much you meant to me,
until you walked away,
sadness was all i felt,
till this very day.

while you've been gone,
a part of me has been lost,
it's like i've taken our friendship for granted,
and now i'm paying the cost.

there are times i tried so hard to forget,
i know i must, in order to move on
but every attempt,
was an epic failure.

when i think about the relationship we once shared,
it was awesome, but we lost it,
its not possible for me,
not to care.

words can't describe how sorry i am,
or how regretful i felt,
nor can it describe,
how important you have become to me in such a short period of time.

i do not seek forgiveness nor acceptance,
for after what i did,
i know,
i do not deserve.

they say time heals a broken heart,
but time stood still since we've been apart,
i may mean nothing to you,
but you'll always be special to me.

i shall therefore, be satisfied,
that you must simply know,
just how I feel about you,
for with words I cannot show.

this is for you yew shiong, and just for you. you'll always b my dearest kor kor, no matter what that happens between us. for i owed you just too much , and i can never forget 你对我的恩情 =）

今天。。。

2010-05-24T00:33:00.000-07:00

我尽然吃醋了！！！ OMFG!!!

this is so weird..

2010-05-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

putus cinta oso not that sad ...sigh..

you're not sorry...

2010-05-19T00:33:00.000-07:00

All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around
I’ve been giving out chances everytime and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long but baby I figured you out
And you think it will be fine again but not this time around

You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no more, no more, no

Lookin’ so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cuz its worked each time before

But you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no no no noo
You’re not sorry no no no noo

You had me calling for you honey
And it never would’ve gone away no
You use to shine so bright
But I watched our love it fade

So you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There’s nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I won’t believe you baby like I did before

well not that it has anything to do wif love in my case. me n love, bo ngam la. hehehe ..try listening to this song, its very nice~

i wished...

2010-05-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

if i knew i would hurt you, i wished i never knew you. for hurting you hurts me more than it hurts you.

what i'll do

2010-05-17T03:37:00.000-07:00

i'll make an effort, to solve my problems. i'll be bolder, more courageous, think less and be more optimistic. i won't keep the things i want to say for too long a time, i will say them when i want to. hesistance, i curse it. no longer will i let it be an obstacle any further. i had enough mental torture for the past few months, am not gonna go through those horible periods any more as long as i can help it.

and so, i'm gonna just say it, just do it, just go for it and let fate decide the rest. after all, alot of things are out of our control rite? all we can do is just put and effort and hope for things to get better. if it doesn't change anything, just try harder. if it still doesn't budge, then it isn't meant to be. its only rite to accept the inevitable, instead of constantly drifting with hope~ but all i can do now is initiate, be nice and hope for nothing in return. and really, i hope that it will all go back to the way it was few months ago.

when i was young.....

2010-05-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

saw one of my friends blog, and it inspired me to write something about another thing that usually means a big deal to alot of ppl, including myself =)
okay, so the topic is friends. i remembered the time when i was a little kid, when someone is nice to me, i want to do something good in return for them. from then, we become friends :)

but, if i were older, like say, 18, i would have to be extra careful when someone is good to me, for then i know, i'm in debt. its only rite to seek out the chance to repay the others kindness, for its somewhat a common courtesy in our modern day society.

when i was young, when we share things with each other, and i mean just anything, or just a laugh, it is genuine. and real. since then, we became friends.

but now that i'm older, or rather, we, are older, we tend to laugh out loud so that everyone feels comfortable. from then, i think its a surface relationship as everyone is trying too hard.

when i was a kid, i made peace with everyone. whoever that are nice to me, i'm nice to them. i saw nothing but true friendship, without having thoughts that wether having this relationship will be beneficial ,as well as the absence of the thought of giving too much and receiving too little, or the thought of wether i will be accepted or rejected. i went on being who i am, no matter how imperfect i may be, i am me. you say u love me, i say i love you, be it if we say it to the same or the opposite sex, we mean it, and there won't be any problem about it.

when i'm older, i started setting rules for myself. rules that separates my circle of friends into best friends, normal friends, acquaintances and close friends. the rules that the society set up to dictate what it takes to be a friend. when a person of the same sex gets too close to us, we start having thoughts of wheter we or she maybe sexualy interested in us. we tend to interpret their intentions wrongly , even though when it may be just out of utmost care , or he/she just wants to be a better friend n be there by your side all the time, just in case you come out with any trouble.

if i were a kid, i wouldn't have known all this. and i would have love it that way.

and yes, little wei sern has got some experience himself. he and his close friend, can never be the same as before anymore, no matter how much he wants. even though now there isn't any more problems between them, yes, it will always be different. the good thing is, we are still friends, but the sad thing is , we are just normal friends. and yes, i have to live with that, even though the thought of it still strikes an intense feeling of sadness and regret within the heart of this boy. there was still hope when the problem still persist, but once it has been solved, only then u realise that u mean nothing to the other party. he/she doesn't give a damn about you. till then that u will realise that it was a mistake , to make someone your priority in live while you're still an option in theirs .
however, i will live with what i once had but lost because of what i have done, for i have no one to blame, except myself. but i still keep wondering, if u knew how much i cared about this bond we share, what would you do?

meaningful! :D

2010-05-12T05:28:00.000-07:00

apologizing; doesn’t always mean you’re wrong & the other person’s right. it means you value the relationship more than your ego. gosh i luv this quote =)

a tight slap to the face, ouch!

2010-05-11T06:40:00.000-07:00

hallrites so it ain't bout getting slapped or anything. today was the anatomy exam, and i received a tamparan hebat. i screwed the bladdy paper. well maybe not so badly i, but i couldn't feel bad enuf for doing the parts in which i know i can answer wrongly. sigh..anatomy anatomy...u n i, v can nv be good friends lar..sigh..screw u essay paper. hmpph!

its just sad, sometimes

2010-05-04T06:09:00.000-07:00

i emo over u, u emo over me, but then, i dunno u emo over me, and u dunno i emo over u. so in the end, v got nowhere. if only i got some mind reading capabilities...hmmm...

aiya, 我就很无聊啊，哈哈哈

2010-04-28T13:21:00.000-07:00

ahem, yes hello world, how yall doing? hope everyone is fine of coz =) its 2 am now and i'm energised :D woke up late, of coz lar. hahahaa . rite, i'll get straight to the point. need to study later >.< block exam is just 10 days away, awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww :(

to start, ahem, let me say this phrase in chinese. got more feeling. hahaha..我是一个很注重感情的人。。which basically means, i'm a person who treasures relationships, or something like dat.
so basically today, i wana write about something thats important to me, well at least i think it is =) oh so you know, what kind of post this is gonna turn out to be lar ( you've been warned! read at your own risk. bwahahaha )
aites, how shall i begin? here goes....i remembered the early days in manipal..everything was so new, so different. couldn't help but having a serious case of culture shock. manipal is so outdated, nuff said. it wasn't easy living alone, once one have gotten so used to having mummy wake him/her up everyday. there is no one to force me to have breakfast, nor prepare it for me everyday in the morning. the same goes for both dinner and lunch. and also the risk of being late or missing classes still applies to me until today. needless to say more, my life sucked here. i was afraid, to start all over again. so many new people, and that was when all the question mark popped up. eg, can i trust anyone? / what should i do now? / where do i go for dinner today, i'm sick of the fudcot etc
well i did adapt after sometime...everything was getting back on track. gotten used to the life style, tho still pretty reluctant about it. bot most of all, loneliness was the biggest obstacle that stands in my way. but then, at this time, yew shiong came into my life.he was a really nice person. he took the time to listen to my whines and complains, gave me the advices i needed to get going with my life in manipal, as well as providing me with the companionship that i so desperately needed. i gotta say, you gave me the joy i always hoped to have again. it was because of you, that have allowed me to remain sane in manipal till this very day. it was also you that gave me hope, that life in manipal ain't so bad after all, no matter how hard life can be, we'll have to keep moving on. one thing i like about is that, i can share almost everything with you. from my secrets , to my kinda gal and other rubbish talk .needless to say, i never doubted your intentions. i enjoyed the times when we hang out together at end point, lepak-ing late at night and talking crap on msn. since then, u can say that, in my rank of friends in manipal, you're on the top of the list. yeah, you're the big brother i never had, and my best friend in manipal =) 就很有亲切感啦。咔咔咔咔~~~
life was great and all, but, i guess everything has an expiry date, and this is no exception, no matter how hard i refuse to deter myself from accepting it. after some time, i felt like we're drifting apart. it just ain't the same as before anymore. even though u assured me nothing was wrong, i knew there was, i just know it, but i don't know what is it. firstly, there is no more outing and lepak-ing like before, and very less time on msn. nowadays, we can go days,even weeks without talking, in which months back, we talk almost everyday. i know its my fault to begin with, as i've been spending too much time skyping with the other person too much that i've distance myself away from you eversince i came back to manipal for the 2nd semester. i noticed the little things u do to me, eg, kacauing me while i collapsed on the lecture table, pull my hair once in a while and usap usap kepala . hahaha , frankly, i kinda like dat, coz thats what close friends do, and only close friends would dare to do that to you =) but, i realised, i was rather cold myself towards you during the month of march this year.i don't respond like i used to,i ignore u even when clearly i saw u , and i give this muka masam that is enuf to make a rose wilt instantly. sighs, u know how bad that makes me feel? i seriously dunno what i'm up to. after sometime, i realised that you've stopped talking to me. you don't do those little things that you do anymore. and there was little to no interaction between us in this month. the only times when u talked to me was just about some formal stuffs , like studies and all. since when did it become like this? how did a friendship in which i thought to be resolute and transcendent, became something so vague and awkward? in other words, pointless. if anyone knows me well enuf, i'm never an initiator of action, am always the effector( physio going on here LOL). maybe thats where the problem lies. aites, i'll be the initiator, at least for once. but, it didn't turn out the way i expected it to be. your responses were the kinds that gives the feeling of non- interest and awkwardness. at times, i do not know what else i should say. there was nothing, only dead silence. if only i knew why, and if only i had the courage to talk to you about it, but the fact is, i don't.
kai lin told me, 人生有很多过路客。。i must say, i couldn't agree more with this. its absolutely true, 100 % valid if u ask me. however, deep down inside, no matter how much i try to make myself think of u as a 过路客 in my life, i couldn't do it. that is because, u were there for me during one of my most vulnerable state of my university life. you were there to console me and act as my listening ear. you were my counsellor , but most importantly, you're my best friend i got to know in manipal, and i'll always be grateful for what you did for me in the past, no matter what that becomes of us . i can't really say what i mean to you, but i can tell, u mean a great deal to me. and losing this friendship seumpama menghiris hati sendiri. i'm sorry for not returning the same smiles u shown me. i 'm sorry for being so rude and mean to you at times. i'm sorry for ignoring u all the time, i'm sorry for pretending not to see you even though i did, very clearly. i'm sorry for being such a jerk for the past few months. from the very bottom of my heart, i sincerely apologize. but, this is something that i think that i'll never have the courage to tell u in person. hopeless~ sigh

fact :)

2010-04-26T09:32:00.000-07:00

i just don't want to be the one that day in day out helps but when it's my turn to be the friend in need, everyone else just turns their backs.

oh well, one can only hope.

well, thats short ain't it? just copy n paste from another blog lar. kekeke. just that it again describes one of my thoughts when it comes to his royal emoness =)

it occured to me....

2010-04-21T09:10:00.000-07:00

after reading a status update of my friend, it finally corssed my mine. is what that he's feeling is the same as what i'm feeling as well? it felt so familiar...what he said... feeling only needed , but never wanted...as our presense are just there to play a role, not just because ppl wants you thr, whether you are important or not. so yea..

appreciation with a piece of my mind

2010-04-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

after reading a post from a dear friend of mine, there was something about it that sparkled some thoughts out of the brain of this emo specimen. its only too much of a coincidence that what he wrote is in fact one of the many things that i never could have found the right way to express, nor fully understand the true meaning of it.

i thought to myself then..what would my life have been like, if i hadn't met my dear pal wen mei, who is as close as a sister, even though we aren't related by blood and only known each other for merely a few years? what would it be like, without people like sebastian, sin yin ,kai lin, charmaine , kit shawn , miki and yee fu( just to name a few) being part of the life of which i;m currently living? i can't tell. i've always thought of things not going my way, and i tend to resent it so much, to the point of putting myself in intense sadness and misery. i've always thought that if i could have it the way i want, i'd be happier and more cheerful. of course, who wouldn't be? however, when i think back of the past, the decisions in which i stress over for thinking it made my life sucky compared to the one if made would have an even more positive impact on my life, wasn't actually as bad as i think it is. even though i have alot of friends in sunway, and it would be great to be with them, i've come to the term that it wasn't the path intended for me. perhaps my life would have been better, or it might turn out worse. who knows?
however, i realised that what i went through and experienced has actually made me a stronger person, emotionally. i know, it sucks, but if it weren't for the bad experiences, i wouldn't have gained the endurance to stand up against harsh comments, mean gossips and total isolation. i've actually met a lot of people in my so called undesired path that changed me for the better. now, i couldn't imagine life without true friends like wen mei ,miki and many others. those who gave me moral support, acted as my punching bag and a ear to listen , were in fact the people that i met along the undesired path. i've always overlooked that, and i am indeed shameful of it. i've always trying to get what i longed for , and i always tend to slip into depression if i don't get what i want. sometimes, its not about what u want, everything happens for a reason. there is a reason why i ended up in inti, as well as me ending up here in manipal. its not what i want, but i know, i have to learn to accept it, no matter what. there is no turning back, be brave n keep moving forward.
appreciate the people around you who trully cares and matter, you'll never know when u might need them by your side , instead of going after those that were never meant to be yours in the very beginning.

scribble , scribble , scribble...another feeling expressing session :)

2010-04-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

i have forsakened myself...to be honest, i have lost many opportunities given to me to make things better for myself, but because of this "think too much" and uptight part of me, i let them drift away..and when i went looking back for them, it was already out of reach. damn it, i condemn these traits of mine to the core..the insecure and uncomfortable feeling i keep getting, the fear, feeling uneasy, i duno y i even had these in the 1st place. perhaps, i do care about what others think of me after all..
maybe not everyone, just certain people. but what really haunts me rite now is the awful feeling of insecurity..i find it so hard to trust people nowadays..i think you can't really say u know a person, even after being with them for a long time. they may be nice to you( i said may be) just because they want something from you, for just wanna dig out your secrets..i don't know really..i don't know who is true and who's fake.i can't differentiate.. 所谓，知人知面不知心。。好伤心啊！！！wuwuwuwuwu....

its so difficult just being nice to other people. sometimes, people tend to misunderstood your good intentions, even when its just out of utmost care as a friend. if your a gal, and if your nice to another gal, thats fine~~ no probs. if your too nice to a guy, he might think that you're hitting on him. and thats whr all the problem begins. at least for gals, it ain't that bad. but for guys, lets c...if your too nice to a gal, she'll think your trying to pikat her, if she dun like you, she'll avoid u, and if she like u but u dun like her romantically, problem arises also. but the worst is still when a guy is too nice to another guy, he'll think your gay! ah well, its all normal response i guess..its sad tho, when your intentions are pure and just out of care, not affection. yet being misunderstood and being branded as a homosexual is the least of the problems LOL..making clear about your intentions is the way, but, is it really that easy? cakap senang, buat susah..haizz..true or not this statement? need some feedback :) so being nice to people is the key to making friends? i don't think so

i think i've crossed my limits..

2010-03-30T12:03:00.000-07:00

these few days, i couldn't focus on my studies...no its not because i'm too obsessed with games..the truth is, mousehunt doesn't really take up alot of my time, all it needed was a single click every 15 minutes.. okay so maybe i spend some time lingering around the forums,but only for a short while..

i dunno why i feel so down these days...it all started about a week after i returned to manipal..homesick ain't the reason..laziness could be..but deep down inside, i know the reason why, i just refused to accept it...the cause of all this, the root of evil that sparked the beginning of me feeling like a mindless zombie with no goal in life..every morning i wake up for class, i feel just..empty..there isn't anything else for me to do except going for classes, skip lunch and then dinner at 5pm. there was really no reason for me to starve myself till the time range of 7 to 8 anymore.

all in all, i feel that my life here in manipal has just been suckish, right from the start..there really wasn't a day that i felt very happy during my time here..things are not the same as they were back home..grades are not up to scratch( i used to be such an excellent student..sighs) ,no mall to hang out, no car to drive, and most of all , no people to depend on. its a live or die situation. either u adapt, or u die. survival of the fittest. now i really doubt that i can actually feel secure, as whenever i thought that i was safe, all of a sudden, i realised only to be left all alone in the sea of darkness, left to struggle for my own survival. i wonder if i was indeed a faulty creation of nature, as i tend to repeat the same mistake all the time..oh yes and i paid dearly for it..
my teacher once said, if you chose to runaway from your problems, you'll be running away throughout your life. when i was young, i laughed then..i thought to myself, what kind of moron would run away from their problems? just face it and have it solved already! boy was i a naive little child back then..now, i realised its more easily said than done.. i was a contradictor of my own words..i'm running from my problems, with the fear of facing the negative consequences that may arise. instead of actually facing it and have it done once and for all, i chose to ignore..just to protect myself from getting hurt...
sometimes, i feel like i worry too much..everything that i do, i worry that i might hurt someone, or pissed someone off indirectly or directly. i hate the fact that i'm this way, i'm screwing up my social relations overtime...like now..i feel like shit...my eyes have been blinded by my manipulative limbic system..i only saw what i wanted to believe, ignoring all the good that came with it..
self isolation has became a very bad habit of mine..i guess its a side effect when i feel unwanted or not welcomed..i had a really bad experience back then on last year's christmas eve, where i was all alone, while the others were having loads of fun. i think, eversince that day, i changed then. i briefly sank into depression mode after that.. one question, how would you feel when your friends called you out for dinner, where all of them all already at the venue,made their order, even though they live in the same hostel as you, while you were the only one of the group still in your room? frankly, i'd feel really left out. it'll make me feel like i'm not part of them anymore, i ain't in the game,i'm just a cheerleader, or a spare player.
get what i mean?
now, i simply do not know how i'm going to live through the next few months till the semester break without feeling so down..my condition has gotten far worse than i could possibly imagine..not paying attention in class, day dreaming, emoing...under achievements...gahhh i wish i could just turn back time and fix things..or even better, turn if back to the point where i did not apply for entry into manipal september intake. its been just a whole miserable time for me..just for me..all i can do at night is sleep and emo...i interact more with my laptop and books than with real human beings..i spend so much time in my room..simply because, i feel so lonely..i feel deserted...how i wish things were like they used to be, carefree and simple. life is so vague and meaningless to me rite now..

gambateh lar...

2010-03-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

time flies...its gonna be april soon..which means a step closer to the university exams, and even closer to blocks. from tuesday to friday, we won't be having afternoon classes, which means lesser learning opportunities, and more rushing at the end of the block..omg....ish ish this is not good for lazy me lol..now that i have the whole afternoon for the nxt few days free, only the higher intelligence knows what i might do during all these free time. wah sleep whole day maybe? kekekezzz
k la this is just a lil update. not much to say this time. this saturday might be a holiday, depending on the votes of the other batches. i think my batch has already voted for no classes on saturday :) hehehe i hate classes on saturday. until now still not used to ti yet.. bwahaha spoilt by malaysian education system, what to do? hehehe

thats it for now =P

random

2010-03-25T09:10:00.000-07:00

hehehehehe i'm free~~~ well at least for now. the hectic day thursday has finally ended, and to my surprise my pbl performance was rather intriguing, the facilitator didn't have anything bad to say about it =) hehehe hope all goes well in the future pbl sessions . i gotta say, my current group don't exert as much pressure as the previous one in block 2. me likey =)
oh and check this out. all of a sudden i got so emo and decided to do something out of the ordinary ^^ its prolly crap but..just take a few mins and read it would ya? =)
here goes...

sometimes, i thought to myself,
why do i love you so,
why do i need you so, even though,
you never really cared about me.

i would stare hours at the computer,
hoping that you would drop by,
say hi,
and make my mind go high.

babe,
you and i,
i gotta feeling, that we're meant for each other,
yeh its true, one text from you,
is like opium to me, not receiving them each day,
its killing me,
slowly, painfully, mercilessly...

at times, i looked out of the window,
with a telescope in my hands,
and with my lil brown eyes,
i tried to keep sight,
with the faintess hope,
of everything you do
even when you're out of sight.

i hate you sometimes,
for the fact that you made me so crazy over you,
but i never blamed you,
as all that matters is that,
i love you.

i was there whenever you need a shoulder to cry on,
a soul to listen,
a paper to express,
even when you called at 2 o'clock,
tho i was drained, i kept you company for as long as you wanted,
as my mind has been made up,
a NO to you is like depriving me of fresh air

babe,
you mean the whole world to me, until recently
i started having doubts, that you're my fairytale princess,
the virtual world i had in my head inhabited only by the memories of you and i,
was really the happily ever after that i constantly seek

i wished you were always the sweet princess that i once knew,
for the current you, no, i don't know,
no i can't, i must find you,
i want that sweet, gentle you back

i thought to myself,
why am i so emotional? and then i realised..
its the thought of whether whatever that i do is to your liking,
whatever i say is what that you like to hear,
you thoughts,
your opinions,
your comments,
your taste,
yeh these are what that have been affecting me lately

i tried to patch things up between us,
with the worry of making things worst as well as the hope of success simultaneouly,
but my efforts were fruitless,
as the former prevailed.

to you, a ragged doll i am,
to me, a priceless treasure you are,
i want to see you, yet i can't
the distance between us is far too great
you refuse my calls and never replied my messages,
even if I want you right here with me, I'm all alone

as i stared at my empty tissue box,
reading your last message,
tears rolled down my eyes..
why? why? why? why do you have to have such ill thoughts of me,
does anything that i've done for you truly touched your heart,
for even the slightest gratitude,
you have none.

a fool i was believing that i knew you, which in fact i don't,
i hadn't the slightest clue who this new you is,
and i won't wait to find out.
i learnt my lesson, i've been too naive,
nobody got hurt, except myself,
and there i was ,
lying in my own pool of tears,
signifying nothing.

hehehehehzzz so how? bad rite? i got no talent in writing all this lar. maine i hope you don't mind that i used yours as references, as what you write mostly represents what i feel most of the time =P k la..i've slacked enuf. gtg study. ciaoz

another week has gone by...

2010-03-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

yeh another week gone...lotsa syllabus has been taught, and i'm still having my own sweet time emoing and catching mice...zzzz..but at least this semester, i took up a habit of studying everyday, be it past semester's stuff or the current one..its a good start, i'm just worried how long its gonna last , or how long i can take it. despite my determination to finish my work fast and study , there is always another part of me that tries to restrain myself from doing so..example, i told myself to finish my pbl by this week , and yet i've only done half of it..eeee laziness is still getting the better of me :(
but its not all bad. my bestie chin wen mei is finally here. yes!! in manipal!! hahahah still can't believe that its true. oh n yee fu as well. but i often thought to myself, what a pity it was that they're my juniors now..if they were my batchmates, i wouldn't be so lonely as of now..if jordan is the sad man, then i'm the lonely boy. HAHAHAH..but ok lar..at least now i know when i emo or need someone to talk to, i can always find wen mei :) of course i hope that'll never happen . emo is not a good habit to have. kekekeke
i slept the whole day today...i duno y, no matter how much i sleep , i still feel extremely tired, suffering from lethargy d me thinks.so how long do you think i can keep on going like this? the cycle of studying till 3.30am everyday? i even run the risk of missing the 1st class of the day everyday :( n did i mention how much i miss my family? sigh...i miss mummy's home cooked soup, her nam yi pork..arghhh..u can nv find that here in manipal..:\

so i guess i'm pretty homesick at the moment..solitude isn't really my kinda style. hahahaha i'd do anything to get my hands on a bowl of sharkfin's soup rite now. well almost anything ...LOL

k la, enuf of my rubbish. that's all for now ;)

Opppss i did it again =S

2010-03-13T05:03:00.000-08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHA. guess what? i missed my 1st class 2day. LOL .. man..its juz the 1st week itself and ohh look , no more 100% attendance. bah like i care... but..missing the class, means missing out on valuable info for exam. haiz..who ask me to slp at 3.30am everyday....i had to study la. no choice le...otherwise i know my exam sure will die lo. seniors uni exam results was already very scary, so many of them didn't pass all. have to waste another 1/2 years to repeat the paper. rly not good...i hope that this won't happen to me. my anat MTF is beyond what modern medicine can cure. >.<
i guess i'll have to keep on slping everyday at 3.30am..study study study..at least i think its worth it. juz hope that i don't fall sick in the middle. hehe

that's all for now

and so it ends, back in manipal...

2010-03-06T08:20:00.000-08:00

well, i'm back!! LOL in manipal!!! argghhh i made it sound like a good thing, but in fact i'm not at all pleased. thr's much more challenges ahead, more obstacles to face and much much more syllabus to cover. no more drifting around and mocking about after sunday, its gonna be long term intensive studying. the old ways ..they juz..don't work anymore ya know?
i will have to adopt this new way, whether i like it or not. i know , a medical students life is gonna be harsh, its not easy to be dealt with in the 1st place, but, i know, i can do it. i must, i cannot slack. so er, i guess...i gotta stop being emo yea? less emo means less blogging for me..as i hope, all of you my dear tomodachis out there ,as stated in the previous post, hope yall will be happy for me if i ain't updating. means i'm too occupied to be emoing, which is a good thing =)

thats all for now

less than 24 hours before i leave my homeland...

2010-03-04T11:51:00.000-08:00

i'll try to write something in chinese this time, here goes. LOL

现在只有少过二十四小时的时间。。。我真的没有那个回去MANIPAL的心情。。觉得死沉沉的。去了浆久，真的会开始惜身边的每一个人。。。我的家人朋友们。。。这段回来的时间，我真的很高兴能够在跟你们相遇。。值少我现在知道你们对我有多么的重要，也让我知道亲情和友情的重要。。我这次回india, 我会专心读书，不会令大家失望。。我一定考到优良的成级。。。加油哦。。这是个新的开始。。 =）

OMG i took ages to type this lol..my chinese sucks XD

anyway, will only be blogging if i'm feeling emo again. so guys, when i'm not updating my blog, pls be happy for me k? =) c yall nxt time back in august

allrights, holidays ending =(

2010-03-03T23:51:00.000-08:00

my word, time flies doesn't it? in juz a blink of an eye, its nearly a month since i was back home in msia. goin back to india 2mr, sad huh?
neways, the bloody results came out today. as expected, i didn't do very well. i passed all of them, but i gotta say that this is the result of my own laziness and slacking all the time. hence, no blaming other people except myself. my studying method for anatomy isn't correct as far as i can tell, n i picked up the right method only 2 weeks before exams. anyhow, all passed. but i couldn't help feeling guilty for the fact that i could have done way way better than this. hence, i shall be commited to my studies once the next block starts. this kenot keep on going like this, no it can't . cross my heart and hope to die. failure is not an option.

finally, it ends~~~

2010-02-04T01:30:00.001-08:00

yay!! i'll be back in msia on the 6th of february, this saturday!! friends, family, i missed u all so much =( finally gonna gona c u all again, couldn't help shedding tears of joy. so guys, c ya all on saturday :D